spaceman1 wrote:
I'm an agnostic heathen from California. 
Naw... You've just been angry alot of your life.
Music is the only thing (so far) that has given you the peace you have wanted. The one thing that has been consistent. When you're playing... things make sense... and for a moment... the world, and life, doesn't seem so bad.
You struggle with God internally... unconsciously.
Part of you wants to believe, but you're too hurt and angry to make up with Him.
But you have left, unconsciously, a little space, a small opening, just in case... cause you'd like to believe there was a God who actually cared, and was looking after us all, but the places you've been in your life... It's hard to reconcile that with a God of love.
So part of you blames Him for how things are.
If He created all this, after all, then He should be held responsible for how it turned out.
You are a loner some of the time. But you do like and want to be with people, you relish having fun and being mischievous... You like a good prank... especially when you were younger. But, you don't have the patience for the idiots and foolish of the world, so it's hit and miss... seek out friends sometimes... say f*ck you to the world and people other times.
When you were younger it was "balls to the walls" and you were often the center of attention, and usually the one in control, among your friends. But because of your sefishness, you couldn't make serious relationships work with a partner, so they didn't work out.
You weren't selfish because you were evil, although you HAVE hurt more than a few people in your lifetime, but you were really more selfish in the sense of... "I'm taking care of me! I'm not gonna be anyone's fool or footstool!"
It was more an unconcious protective mechanism.
You find it hard to reveal the deepest parts of yourself to others. You don't want to be laughed at, or be used and let down as a result. So you keep alot to yourself, and most of your acquaintances are none the wiser, because on the surface, you present something else to them.
This creates an impossible dichotomy within yourself, where you NEED people, but you can't trust them, so you only allow yourself to get so close to them.
But that's all just a guess! LOL
Welcome to the forum brother!
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