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Hey, I've got a ton of lyrics that I've wrote (many of them have actual music I haven't recorded yet.

Anyway. I figured I'd give it a shot with one song first.

Can you tell me what you think?

Here it goes.

Marionettes

Intro (No Music)
We are all, marionettes…
Did anyone hear that?
Wake up dummy!

V1.
We are all
marionettes.
There are people behind the scenes.
They’re the ones that pull the strings.

I’ve been hoping
for a big break.
It seems my body’s full of etches,
Fighting my last string that only stretches.

Bridge:
I can’t settle for just this.
Let me free.
I’m little Pinocchio
Are you Geppetto?

Chorus:
Please
Save me!
Please
Save Me
I want my full weight on the ground.
Don’t tell me bout it.
I want to feel it right now.

V 2:
There’s one playwright
In the distance
Telling the puppet what to do.
Is that the one that controls you?

Are we victims
Or performers?
That’s for each of us to decide.
You make your choice
I’ll make mine.

Bridge:
I can’t settle for just this.
Let me free.
I’m little Pinocchio
Are you Geppetto?


Chorus:
Please
Save me!
Please
Save Me
I want my full weight on the ground.
Don’t tell me bout it.
I want to feel it right now.

Closing
It would be nice to say.
Yes, so nice to say.
It would be nice to say…

“I’ve got no strings to hold me down.
To make me fret… to make me frown.
I had strings. But now I’m free.
There are no strings on me.”

To be honest, without some tune to set the tone it sounds kinda corney.
Lyrics can be hard to get a feel off of when they are all alone.
Especially when one is reading them.
I does peque my interest though as to just what kind of musical score would back said lyric.

It's really good. Cut the "intro" part and the 3-line repetitive "closing" part though.

Doesn't stand on its own as poetry, but works quite well for lyrics. Now of course we all wanna hear it, so get busy!

Andy's right - dump the intro.

I like the part about being a marineet, but I think it needs a little bit more additude towards it. But besides that I think it is good.

Wow. Way to kill the French word lol
Marionette, man, mario-nette.

For sale:
Like new, French Officers sidearm.
Only dropped once.

Lines in this sound an awful lot like those in "This Armistice" by The Receiving End of Sirens, which happens to be my favorite song pretty much ever. Link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5s8QQD-wzc8

Similar lines to yours:
"We're all puppets, we're all marionettes"

"Tell me who's pulling the strings"

=/

i think the idea for this song has kinda been used by others throughout the years, however, i can kind've picture these lyrics over a "My Chemical Romance" type sound, and it seems fitting. i'd omit the last stanza, since "down, fret, and frown" seem a little cheesy.

all in all, i'd listen to it.

I sure hope he's not going for a fckin mcr sound. *bad shivers*

Thanks

The reason I put the last part in there is because I stole those lines directly from Pinnochio.

I'm going to (when I record it... maybe tomorrow...) have the song "I have no strings" cut in just for the ending.

I also didn't know whether I should go completely dark with the lyrics... since I have some other songs that totally pushes the border of angsty attitude and sociopathic lunatic.

lol


I was leaning towards making a reference to the stings being a noose... figured that was a little too far.

[quote="sanshouheil"]To be honest, without some tune to set the tone it sounds kinda corney.

C'mon Sans, don't you write songs too? Surely you can hear the music without actually hearing it. Unless I am wrong and you don't write songs too. if that be the case, you didn't see this posts.
No disrespect intended.

I really liked the lyrics, though agree with those that said to drop the intro.