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#36001 by Shred9
Sun Jul 06, 2008 8:35 pm
Well I hate to have to bring this up, but you all are serious musicians as I myself am, so I'm hoping that you all can help me shed some light on an issue in my personal life that's really killing me inside. I'll try to make this as short as possible.

I've been REALLY busy with different projects lately especially the ones where people just want me to add some CRAZY leads and melodies to their work in different studios, but I still make all the time in the world for my wife and especially my son. Everytime I go to leave the house to go rehearse or to record somewhere my wife starts accusing me of cheating and saying that everything I do with music is just a waste of time (both of which are completely absurd). Then she reminds me of the fact that that's how we met in the first place. Now the marriage hasn't been good ever since I picked up an axe again after an 8-year break from the scene, but I still do everything that she likes to do together with her and my son; so in essence nothing has changed other than the fact that I'm writing and playing music again rather than racing Supercross and Motocross. She's really a mean-spirited person to start with so it's my bad for getting involved in the first place, but now there's a 5-year old boy thrown into the mix that I just won't ever let down. If she knows that I'm recording in my studio, she'll come out just to be a jerk and ruin the track as it's being recorded. I just built a new house and my son keeps telling me that he wants to "get away from the mean girl" and that if I leave, he "has to come with me." I can deal with losing the property and the house, but not my boy damnit and I know that the first thing that she'll try to take is all of my gear. I have to play because it's what makes me who and what I really am as a person in general. There's a TON more to this story, but I'm trying to keep it somewhat short and to the point. Being treated so horribly every day for absolutely no reason at all is killing me and my spirit to the point of feeling sick everytime I have to go back home. I'm at a loss as to what I should do at this point so I just keep taking the abuse so I can be with my son everyday and protect him and provide him with all the necessary tools needed for a decent life.

Has anyone else here been in a similar situation? If so, how was it remedied or wasn't it? If all I can take away from this terrible situation is my son and ALL of my gear, then so be it. I've only been married once and I can honestly say that I'll never do it again after all of this runs it's course. Do any of you have some helpful advice or guidance to offer? All of this stress is killing me!!!!!!!!! :(

#36002 by Andragon
Sun Jul 06, 2008 8:58 pm
That's a tough one. Well, as always, when I give out advice (don't look at me like that. I'm not irrational), I don't tell someone what to do, but instead, I show them how to think bout it.
I understand from this that she's not his mother, eh?

I'd say try to reach some middle ground through confrontation. Girls/Women like to feel safe (that, I have learned), so show her that there's no other one. It should take time, but that rids you of the cheating issue. The music. Well, I can tell you're into music more than most - like me. If she isn't like you, she'll never understand the feeling of music, don't waste your time explaining that (from my own experience, I wasted my time ha). But rather, compare it to something she'd understand. Say, I dunno, going out with friends? shopping? Her most favorite hobby.

If all that's impossible, then all I'm gonna tell you is that you should weigh both situations: with her and without her. Will you (just you) be happy away or close to her? Now, will your son be happy away or close to her? From what you said, he doesn't like her that much :?

One thing I will tell you to do, is not to procrastinate. The sooner you solve this, the better. Good luck.

#36003 by gtZip
Sun Jul 06, 2008 8:59 pm
Ask her what shes afraid of. What she's really afraid of. All of it.
If she can be honest, you have something to work with to reassure her.

I don't know why you put it down for 8 years. Was it because of her?
Tell her that making music makes you feel like a whole person. That it was a mistake to have put it down for so long. (She may not buy it though because you were away from it for 8 years.)

I'm guessing she sees it as just a way to pick up chicks and party. Or something like that. And that it will lead you into being irresponsible and broke.
Is there something that she would like to do that would make her happier? Make her feel like more of a whole person? Does she resent the fact that you are doing something again that helps you? Is there something she needs to do, or has always wanted to do, or try?
Is she really getting her fair share of time and attention?
Women freak out about losing attention and time to other things. They're jealous of time and attention lost. More so than of other women I think.

She's afraid or resentful. Or both.
She needs to act like a woman and communicate. Not act like a little girl.

#36005 by Craig Maxim
Sun Jul 06, 2008 10:07 pm
It sounds like you have already made up your mind, but here are a few points to consider on both sides, just in case you haven't made our decision yet...


Staying Married:

1) It is a statistical fact, that people generally look for the same qualities in a partner as the one they left. In other words, whatever attracted you to her in the first place, likely still attracts you, and you are likely to find a carbon copy relationship with someone new. This will likely end as badly as the first one, since the underlying issues were never solved. You are likely to just repeat the same 10 years or whatever it has been, with someone new, until the same problems resurface in the new relationship. Why go through all that? Make it work with the one you are already with, and whose closets you already know inside and out. Does anyone really relish the process of finding someone new out, all over again. Finding out whether you can deal with their quirks, is her family crazy or intrusive? Does she have a host of issues you will only find out about over months and months of being together?

2) If this is your child with her, then she can make your life just as miserable without her. Maybe more so if she has control of custody. As you said, a child is involved. Make this decision over time, and very seriously. Alot of lives depend on the right outcome.


Get Divorced:

1) Imagine a dog who is abused on a regular basis. Maybe the "owner" has a change of heart and stops beating the dog. But even years later, that dog will still flinch every time the owner raises his hand too quickly, even if it was just to pet the animal. Abuse lingers, and so do the feelings that accompany it. Sometimes, things really do go too far to be resolved happily.

2) If you make the decision to leave, and it is the right decision, you still may have doubts early on, for a while. It happened to me, where I KNEW leaving was the only option. Nevertheless, one night I felt pretty doubtful and started to pick up the phone to get her back. But with the phone in my hand, I paused, and asked myself first, whether I was motivated more out of loneliness or true love for her. I decided that the test would be to sleep on it. If I still felt the same way the next day, then it was love motivating me. If I didn't feel the same the next day, then clearly, I was operating out of loneliness that night. The next day I didn't feel like calling her. It was a new day, I didn't feel the same sense of longing or despair that I had the night before. I could have made a big mistake had I just called her based on my emotions of the moment, rather than sleeping on it. But that test showed me I was simply feeling lonely. Going back for that reason alone, would only delay the inevitable.

#36007 by Hayden King
Sun Jul 06, 2008 10:46 pm
first...Be True To Thine own Self! typically jealousy comes from low self worth or a guilty conscience (if it were me, I'd do it)...that said, communication is allway's the answer! sometimes its not the truth your looking for, but it will come out only through communicating! there are obviously fear's that she isn't facing and its up to you to find out what they are if you plan to solve your problem. she wont volunteer em on her own! all in all Your Son will allways be Your Son and what effects him is more important than what effect's her....signed..total loser in love
Hayden King

#36009 by philbymon
Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:41 am
Shredd, I am not going to tell about anything that I've gone through, because it isn't resolved as of yet, after nearly 20 yrs of it.

Something you said, though, bothers me a great deal. It sounds, from what you say, that your boy is somehow in the middle, that he knows about way too many of the issues that are disturbing you & your wife. You need to be a rock for him. You need to reassure him, & try to get her to help in this area. Perhaps that will bring something into the mix that you can do together that night help to resolve some of her other problems.

Try not to think or speak of her as a "mean-spirited person," as this shows itself in myriad ways to both her AND your son. He needs stability even more than you or her do.

As far as the music thing goes, accept that she finds it threatening. When she comes into your studio to eff up your work, ask her advice on whatever you're working on. Getting her involved, even as a critic, will probably help to get her off your back a bit. If it all proves to be way over her head, she'll back away from the studio rather than have you constantly asking her questions that she can't answer intelligently. Ask whether she likes this effect or that, & why, etc.

When you go to other studios to record, ask for a copy to play for her, to prove that A) you really WERE working on stuff & B) to get her involved as a critic yet again, by asking her opinion.

She no doubt feels left out of the most important part of your life, & sees your involvement as a real threat to your relationship.

Trying to see things from her point of view is tough, cuz you probably see her as being merely snippy. Try to figure out the reason behind the snippiness, & address it.

All of the above is, of course, only applicable if you intend to try to fix it. If you don't, then get the hell out as quickly as you can, while reassuring your son that none of this is his fault, or yours, or even HERS. Keep your bitterness to yourself until you can get over it in front of your son.

It's the best thing you could do for him, & will help him to grow as a more accepting person, when it comes to his future relationships. As we all know, we usually follow our parents' paths in this area, & it's better to make things positive for our kids.

Just my opinion, but it's all I've got.

Will pray for your family over this.

#36011 by Silverfoot
Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:59 am
There's a lot of good input here, especially the points about dealing with your son and not procrastinating. Unfortunately, it all comes down to your own decision. I really, sincerely wish you the best, man. There is no easy answer.

I spent three years in a relationship-being treated as a doormat. My ex went to great lengths to control everything-usually through psychological means: i.e., if I didn't answer my cell phone right away, "I was cheating".
SHe convinced me that I was too stupid to handle money. She took everything from me she could, and when I left, all I had was my gear and my clothes-which she allowed her two sons to pick through as I slept. She tried to destroy my credit, and left me forehead deep in debt. We weren't married, and the kids were hers, yet I do grasp a little bit of what you are going through. When I came home to my family, my brother gave me the best advice I'd ever had. He told me "Move on and cut your losses." That was nearly four years ago, and I'm still dealing with some of the issues-both fiscally and psychologically.
But...

I took my Bro's advice, and I'm probably happier than I've ever been. I'm in a GOOD relationship, I'm writing a playing a ton.

Protect your son at all costs and stand up for yourself. Spouses like to make threats about what they are going to take away, but it usually doesn't work the way they think it will. Keep a cool head about ya, and ride out the storm until you find yourself in a reasonable situation.

I hope it helps...

#36027 by jw123
Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:18 pm
Man, sorry to hear this.

Im personally in the middle of a 2 yr divorce so I can relate to what you are saying.

Take care of your son, whatever actions you take, he is watching and taking notes, at 5 he is a little sponge soaking up everything around him. Preparing him for life is way more important than any guitar solo or any motocross race. Believe me Ive done both.

If you are going to try to save the marriage which it doesnt sound like from your post, but if you are, get yourself and your wife into counseling TODAY! Dont wait. Marriage is simply a series of compromises with both people giving 100 per cent, anything less and these days it just doesnt work.

Racing and playing music are making you avoid the things in life that really matter.

Good Luck
#36029 by Kramerguy
Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:41 pm
Thought I'd address some of this point by point, sorry if I repeat what some have already said-

Shred9 wrote: but I still make all the time in the world for my wife and especially my son. Everytime I go to leave the house to go rehearse or to record somewhere my wife starts accusing me of cheating and saying that everything I do with music is just a waste of time (both of which are completely absurd).


This is really horrible of her, she's trying to control what you do, and who you are. By accusing you of cheating, she's basically asking you to NOT play music, go out, etc.. and stay home to reassure her that you are devoted to her. Her understanding of devotion is certainly not normal or healthy.

She then calls music a waste of time, intentionally putting you in a position of defense and trying to convince you that nobody cares. She may be doing this out of jealousy, I'd bet she doesn't have any serious hobbies or anything like music that she devotes herself or her personal time to?

Shred9 wrote:Then she reminds me of the fact that that's how we met in the first place. Now the marriage hasn't been good ever since I picked up an axe again after an 8-year break from the scene, but I still do everything that she likes to do together with her and my son; so in essence nothing has changed other than the fact that I'm writing and playing music again rather than racing Supercross and Motocross.


I don't quite understand what you mean by her reminding you that music is how you met her, but on the other part, I too, took an 8-year hiatus from music. I told my wife up front, that music was always a part of my life, and since she's also a part of my life, she needs to understand that not every part of my life will revolve around her, and also encouraged her to find her own hobbies and stuff.

It sounds like your wife isn't willing to share you with anyone, or anything, without having jealousy issues.

Shred9 wrote:She's really a mean-spirited person to start with so it's my bad for getting involved in the first place, but now there's a 5-year old boy thrown into the mix that I just won't ever let down. If she knows that I'm recording in my studio, she'll come out just to be a jerk and ruin the track as it's being recorded.


That's just harsh. She knows what she's doing, and the fact she does it anyways, combined with all the above things you mentioned, all comes down to one very cold and upsetting fact- She doesn't respect you. Not only that, she openly (I assume in front of your son too) disrespects you. To me, that's the make or break of any relationship. It is the one defining moment of every failed relationship in my life. I've always found that once a woman crosses the line of disrespect, the relationship is doomed.

Shred9 wrote:I just built a new house and my son keeps telling me that he wants to "get away from the mean girl" and that if I leave, he "has to come with me."


I'm surprised and amazed that a 5-year old has that much insight into your relationship with your wife. It sounds like you need a lawyer. I would also consider "pawning" ALL of your gear to a close personal friend that you can trust, both to not sell or take your gear, and also to keep his/her mouth shut to the wife/friends. Do the same with any other valuables you don't want to risk losing. Women, no matter how crazy, tend to really hit the lottery in divorce courts.

Shred9 wrote: Being treated so horribly every day for absolutely no reason at all is killing me and my spirit to the point of feeling sick everytime I have to go back home. I'm at a loss as to what I should do at this point so I just keep taking the abuse so I can be with my son everyday and protect him and provide him with all the necessary tools needed for a decent life.


That just sucks. Everything I said above applies as a response here.

Shred9 wrote: Has anyone else here been in a similar situation? If so, how was it remedied or wasn't it? If all I can take away from this terrible situation is my son and ALL of my gear, then so be it. I've only been married once and I can honestly say that I'll never do it again after all of this runs it's course. Do any of you have some helpful advice or guidance to offer? All of this stress is killing me!!!!!!!!! :(


Sadly, I'm happily married and should it ever end, I also would never, ever, do it again. There's just too much risk for very little, if any, reward these days. It's by far easier and cheaper to just live together (or apart if your state supports common-law marriage), and if a kid comes into the picture, the worst you are in for is child support. You get to keep both halves of what is yours, assuming you didn't get joint accounts and stuff.

Meh.. now I'm just preaching...

But seriously, get out, the faster the better. Every day you wait, will be another day lived in regret. Sure, it's going to be ugly, but remember, no matter how nasty it gets, your life is YOUR life. The kid, even if you lose custody, can be coached into making mommy miserable to the point where she will beg you to take him.... hint*hint

Good luck!

#36030 by Axesligner for hire
Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:44 pm
Dude man rough story. It sucks when the ones we love turn on us this way.

Lot's of good advice from some very smart people here on this board. I, unfortunately, have a similar story to yours and a few of the others here.

All I can say is protect your son. My boy was 9 when it all happened with me. Controlling wife, spent money like we were rich and blamed me when the checks bounced, treated me as if I wasn't worthy to be with her, yada yada yada.

Protect your son. Make sure he knows that none of this is his fault, and that you love him with all the love a Dad can have for his son.

Mine lives with his Mom in AZ right now (I'm in Illinois) and that's the worst part of it all. Tell him you love him and that's never going to change.

And don't put your guitar down again, for anyone. We, as musicians, all know how healing music is to us.

Good luck!!!

#36035 by Shred9
Mon Jul 07, 2008 4:36 pm
Each and every one of you dudes are so amazing to me. I read every single post and not to be a baby or anything, they all brought a tear to my eyes. This is better advice than anyone other than you guys could possibly give. Thank you all sooooooo much for caring about stupid old me and my problem. I tried to talk to her last night and ask why things are the way that they are and why she always tells me that she hates me yet she stays just to remind me how much she despises me. Needless to say it didn't work out so good and I even did it out in the woods by the huge fire pit that I just built with a nice fire roaring in it. Then I tried to bring up counseling and that one got thrown back in my face as well. I've been trying to figure out what the REAL problem is even if it is really me and I just keep running into dead ends if you will. She has told me many times recently to go get the papers and she'll sign them which is fine by me and I tried to explain to her that we would have to sell the new house and the property because neither of us could afford it after the split. That didn't go so well either as she doesn't understand that after child support (she is my boy's mom) and alimony I wouldn't be able to afford the mortage and the bills. The only part that I have trouble dealing with on my own is the fact that my best friend won't be able to be with me everyday like he is now (another tear at just the thought of it). He needs me to protect him from her when she starts freaking out because he won't listen to her and then she starts to grab him really hard and shake him around to make him listen. It was really embarassing when my dad saw bruises on his little arm and asked what happened there (it makes me want to do it to her, but I can't). I've been trying to make it work for the past two years after we moved into the new house, but things are still sliding downhill even faster than before. Like the other night I asked her why she was acting like such a bitch and she punched me square in the nose (pretty good hit too), then I just went out to the studio and jammed out for a bit.

Another good one happened this morning. I had to go to the dentist to get three more teeth fixed so I rode my custom Harley. No big deal right? Wrong! My dentist is a chick a little younger than me and she and her assistant are very good looking young women, but we're JUST friends and nothing more (for christ's sake, they fix my teeth!). So after I was done I rode back home to change into my work clothes and ride the bike to work. She accused me of trying to show off on my bike and that I was probably giving them rides, ect. Now come on! Then she just began to pretend like I wasn't even there and wouldn't even say another word, but she's good at giving the death look if you know what I mean. Now I really don't want to go home, but my little dude is going to need me I know. To be honest, I feel literally sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

To address some questions here...She really doesn't have any friends to speak of because she's mean to everyone at some time or another. She has no hobbies or anything other than being mean to me. We first met when she came up from Pittsburgh with her then boyfriend who was a great singer who tried out for one of my projects. The reason that I gave up playing for 8 years WAS because of her starting to be mean to me so racing got me out of it to a point until I got really good at it, then I was a jerk doing that as well.

All of this crap just makes me want to hide under a rock like my python does and just hope that it goes away even though I know that it never will unless it's handled head on. I can't thank you guys enough for all of your input and highly intelligent ways of looking at and dealing with tough issues. I hope I have the strength to do what is right for all of us; especially my best friend Zane. I love him more than my own life... :cry:

#36038 by Kramerguy
Mon Jul 07, 2008 5:22 pm
Dude, I can't believe the sh*t you are putting up with. Not to offend, but I was never one to gloss things over...

that chick is effin nuts. You should call child services on her the day you 'seperate' and force your boy out of her hands. Your dad could probably testify on your behalf. You are not powerless. Don't let her think for one moment that she has any power to get that child. Just let her know that the truth about her ABUSE will come out in court and it would be in her best interest to concede beforehand so it doesn't embarass her in court.

Other than that, it sounds like she has an extreme case of general anxiety disorder, or even bipolar. Hard to say. The statement that she has no friends or hobbies speaks volumes that she's mentally ill. Aside from that, you are not obligated to deal with that, nor is your son obligated to be victim to it.

I hope it all fares well for you.

#36041 by Axesligner for hire
Mon Jul 07, 2008 6:48 pm
I've got to agree with KG on this one. Seems to me that your 1st and foremost responsibility in this one is to get your son somewhere he's safe all the time. My ex-wife, the huge biotch that she is, was and is a good Mom. As far as a wife.... well we won't go there.

I feel for you man. It's a horrible situation and I know right now you don't think that you have any way out of it. KG is right. Your wife does not have a "right" to your son. If you can show in front of a court that she's abusive she will not get him. A long time ago it was a given that Mom's got the kids, but it's not like that anymore. Dads have more and more rights in the courts' eyes these days.

Good luck!!!

#36042 by mistermikev
Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:43 pm
I'll respond here cause I'm in one of the most successful relationships I know of - my wife and I have been together EVERY DAY for 13 going on 14 years and have been married for 4 going on 5. We still hold hands going into the market (I know I'll never live this down).

Reading your q I can't help but think you need to organize the issue in your mind first and foremost.
1) mean-spirited - I think half the reason my wife and I are still together is that we take the time to be mad at each other, but always make up. There is no reason to quit, mean-spirited or not. work it out. period. If you don't want to work it out then u r the quitter and your next relationship will likely make it no further than this one. so quit reading now and get on with yer life as a bachelor.
2) trust issues - clearly your wife doesn't trust you... does she have reason no to? If not then you simply haven't given her enough reason to trust you. tell her there's no one else. show her by not flirting w other girls. you can't solve this issue by dismissing her fears as irrational. I hate it when my wife interrupts me... so I've tried to calmly show her why it frustrates me. don't ever argue when u r mad... wait till you are ready to say u r sorry and attack the issue calmly(she has to be in the same state too). this seems to be the central issue: how can you overcome it?
3) "house and my son keeps telling me that he wants to "get away from the mean girl" and that if I leave, he "has to come with me.""
I have no kids so I'll tread lightly... my gut tells me the right thing to do here is tell him "there is no need to pick sides... if yer mom and I split you can spend time with both of us... we both love you and tho she may seem mad at times she's a good mother and she cares for you". these feelings might seem like they come from him but he's likely saying what he thinks you want to hear... assure him it's not a "you or her" issue.
there are laws to give you access to your kid.
Hope you don't feel I'm looking down my nose at you... I'm not meaning too. Go buy a bottle of wine and some roses, surprise her and show her you want to work things out... (yes, whether you are the right or the wrong party) the only excuse I ever want to hear is that she wouldn't work it out with you... if you can't do that then you are the damaged goods, you don't have what it takes to be in a long term relationship. face that.

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