As long as I can remember, and increasing through my teen aged years, I had violent depression and rage. Not "anger issues" but vision tinged with red, nausea inducing, blood pressure spiking rage. There was a clarity of thought that preceded it and then everything became uncontrolably loud on all my senses. Any little thing could trigger it. The depression that followed such episodes was such a dark, negatively narcissistic place that it took a force of will simply to keep breathing.
I managed to NOT turn that into abuse. I made sure somehow that I was the only one to experience the physical effects of my storms. I thought it was anxiety attacks. I went into a clinic that was doing an anxiety medication trial. To get into the study you had to meet for 30 minutes with the psychologist and discuss your problems. When I met with her, she cancelled all her appointments for the day and sat with me for 3 hours. She was a military specialist and told me what I was describing, and with my past, was not anxiety. She told me that I was experieincing one of the most acute cases of PTSD that she had seen outside the military. It was getting worse and if I did not do something about it I would do something terrible.
So rather than medication, I chose to use meditation, will power and self control. Now that I knew the origins of these feelings, I embraced them. I explored the deeper implications and roots as it happened. In the worst of this healing I was vomiting, not sleeping and other things I will not discuss here. The reasons in my childhood for this I will not discuss here. Suffice it to say, a very small version of this will always be with me. But now it is easy to make it through. I have recovered years of memory I thought lost. By embracing the memories and images that caused my problem, I have nullified it.
All without excuses, drugs or hurting other people. (Unless you count the near weekly fights in highschool, and the competition fighting after highschool)
Now I channel through music, lift weights, practice my forms, play paintball and do cardio. When the darkness hits, and I feel like it is pointless to improve myself, I put on a Cardio boot camp DVD or go down to the weight room.
The memories and occasional dreams are the worst of it. I have let go of the hatred that accomplished nothing but hurting me. I thank God every day that I was able to meet that woman and identify my target. That is part of the reason I regained faith in God. I do not go to church but I have returned to reading and studying.
So, God, will power, and an outlet are my suggestions.
My motivation? I have a 14 year old daughter who will never know what I know. My wife will never have to go through what I witnessed and experienced. I am the end.
I managed to NOT turn that into abuse. I made sure somehow that I was the only one to experience the physical effects of my storms. I thought it was anxiety attacks. I went into a clinic that was doing an anxiety medication trial. To get into the study you had to meet for 30 minutes with the psychologist and discuss your problems. When I met with her, she cancelled all her appointments for the day and sat with me for 3 hours. She was a military specialist and told me what I was describing, and with my past, was not anxiety. She told me that I was experieincing one of the most acute cases of PTSD that she had seen outside the military. It was getting worse and if I did not do something about it I would do something terrible.
So rather than medication, I chose to use meditation, will power and self control. Now that I knew the origins of these feelings, I embraced them. I explored the deeper implications and roots as it happened. In the worst of this healing I was vomiting, not sleeping and other things I will not discuss here. The reasons in my childhood for this I will not discuss here. Suffice it to say, a very small version of this will always be with me. But now it is easy to make it through. I have recovered years of memory I thought lost. By embracing the memories and images that caused my problem, I have nullified it.
All without excuses, drugs or hurting other people. (Unless you count the near weekly fights in highschool, and the competition fighting after highschool)
Now I channel through music, lift weights, practice my forms, play paintball and do cardio. When the darkness hits, and I feel like it is pointless to improve myself, I put on a Cardio boot camp DVD or go down to the weight room.
The memories and occasional dreams are the worst of it. I have let go of the hatred that accomplished nothing but hurting me. I thank God every day that I was able to meet that woman and identify my target. That is part of the reason I regained faith in God. I do not go to church but I have returned to reading and studying.
So, God, will power, and an outlet are my suggestions.
My motivation? I have a 14 year old daughter who will never know what I know. My wife will never have to go through what I witnessed and experienced. I am the end.
www.bassbastard.com
Compulsory fairness only ensures that the world will languish in the chilly grey of universal mediocrity dreaming of what may have been.
Compulsory fairness only ensures that the world will languish in the chilly grey of universal mediocrity dreaming of what may have been.
