Are you repressed about your life? Feeling holistically challenged? Do your duck feet keep you awake, quacking at night? Do you suffer from selective hearing or nonselective speech? Are your underpants too tight? ASSEFFECTS can treat many of these conditions, as well as 473 others. Patients with cold sores should not rub ASSEFFECTS into their bellies, as uncommon sexual confusion can result. If you find yourself attracted to driftwood, you should call your doctor at once, & quit taking ASSEFFECTS. If you find yourself with an erection lasting more than 4 hours, you should take a double dose, and call on your pharmacist with a gift and a hearty "thank you." ASSEFFECTS is not intended for suppository use, no matter how good you may think it feels. Combining ASSEFFCTS with other drugs, such as antihistamines or opiates may result in mollusk addiction (also known as tentacle fetishism). Side effects may include epic flatulence, peppermint goiters, crusty sphincter, tobacco-stained grunties, lumpy gastrosis, flat hands, hacky-sacking, testicular ovaries, numerical bronchoids, knuckle-dragging, bloodroot, wilted chamberlaiins, bleached femur, aspirin deficiency, intolerance to dark, lengthening of the toes, pimply carbunkles, incontinence, Welch's belches, knocking knees, chicken neck, terminal split ends, globular warming, constipation, soy milk intolerance, delusions of blandeur, excessive arm hair, diarrhea, satanic legbone, mushroomism, aural cysts, putters elbow, menstrual minstrels, torso protrusions, imaginary urination, canker spores, repetitive snooze-alarmism, warbly motion, frizzyness, Albert Ross Syndrome, blond roots, accelerated low blood pressure, loofah-lips syndrome, cystic kiwis, alopecia, septic borishness, exaggerated headlights, itinerant molding, easy-chairitis, Smuckers Puckers, odiferous groin, hyper-vaginal beard growth, Lychanthropy, lichen trophy, cat ass trophy, warvills, hairballs, cancer of the toenails, green lips, carpal funnel, early onset death, Algernon Frenzy, harpyism, nurse-nipples, follicular displacement, a need for speed, Shakespearian vocabulary, malted milk balls, spool samples, abdominal rumbling, spacial deformities, neck pansies, unintelligible muttering due to tongue warts, erectile hyperfunction, hammer toe, witches' teats, acidophilus addiction, fiibrous illumination, over-ambitious sexual urges, express weight loss or gain, membranous halitosis, dropsy, dripsy, droopsy, sleep-caulking, euphoric feelings of accomplishment, extruded whimsy, hallucinations, salutations, permutations, transformations, altered stations, cotton swabbing, OCD, ADD, ADHD, UFO, ABC, itchy armpits, & cornish feet. In rare cases, a dimming of the third eye was reported, along with Kegel hiccups. Pregnant women should not handle, sniff, or even look at ASSEFFECTS, due to a specific birth defect known as "Omigoditlookslyk Rushlimpaw." The use of alcohol may impress these side effects. Many ASSEFFECTS users find that their sleep-driving is vastly improved. So ask your doctor about ASSEFFECTS, today!
SMILE - it's the safest way to spread your cheeks!
