General Music Chat

I'm a female musician--bass/lead singer. I've been dating my drummer for years. When we met, I was already in this band. Now we live together. But our band is dying a slow death because neither he nor the guitarist make any real effort. And my boyfriend doesn't want me out there beating the pavement looking for gigs. Each one of them plays in another band also, so they get out to play while I sit at home or schlep his sh*t around like a little groupie. I have been frustrated with both of them for months and not wanting to let it fade into oblivion because we're really tight (when we practice regularly) and we all get along really well.
Now I have an offer to play in another band--same kind of set up--3 piece--and my boyfriend is furious that I would play in a band without him and that I didn't talk it over with him before I told them I was interested. (I thought he'd be happy for me--silly me!) He tells me he's worried about my safety and guys hitting on me. I tell him I'll be careful and he shouldn't care if guys hit on me since he knows I'm coming home to him and I'm not interested in anyone else. I told him I wouldn't join this band, even though they're very good and it's a good opportunity, if he would quit the band he's in, which sucks and is dragging him down and then we could concentrate all our energy on making our band work, even if it means finding another guitarist. He didn't care for that idea. He said it had always been his "rule" to never date girls that worked in a bar setting like strippers, bartenders or musicians, but I was a musician long before we met and I think he's being unfair. This whole issue is a major strain on our relationship. I'm trying to be understanding, but he's telling me I can only play in a band if he's in it and he doesn't think he could deal with me playing in another band without him.
Has anyone else ever been in a similar circumstance?

WOW! Honestly... I can't put it more eloquently... he's being a prick! My situation was kind of similar with my 1st wife. I met her in my audience while on tour and we fell in love and I married her. Slowly but surely, she started bitching about me playing out and suspected me of cheating on her. The last straw was when we were handed the ultimate tour. We were going to Puerto Rico for about a month and a half ...free hotel and free meals and paid for 3 gigs each week... she couldn't handle that and I had to find someone else to fill my spot, suffice to say, I slowly stopped playing and eventually sold all my equipment... My music life was dead. Inside, I yearned for it back and it finally took a toll on my marriage and I finally just packd my bags and walked out.... I had to get complete control of my life back. I lost everything in the divorce but I got my freedom back so it was well worth it. Do not let him control your life and change your destiny! If he can't handle it and cannot trust you then it was never meant to be. Join that other band and tell him noone is in control of your life but you! If he can't handle that, than get out of there quick... It could slowly turn out very violent if you decide much later on in your relationship to tell him NO!!!

Sorry to hear it all worked out so badly for you. I'm afraid that if I give in, I'll be setting the pattern for the rest of our relationship and ultimately I'll end up leaving anyway, like you did. But I guess it's better to make the break now rather than later. I've already been with him for five years (six in our going-nowhere band). But it's still hard.
Being a musician myself, I suck it up when he's out playing a gig and I get jealous. It's part of the package and I accept that. I would be so happy for him if he got an offer like you did, even if it took him away from me. We've been talking about this very intensely ever since I got the offer. He made a comment about "If you love something, set it free." I just hope he remembers the rest of that quote "If it comes back to you, it's meant to be." I guess we'll find out, since I've made arrangements to stay with my sister for a while and give him a chance to decide if he can deal with it. I seriously doubt that he can or he would have already.

I am a vet, too, of a few interband romances and man, they never worked for me. There was always something - usually jealousy based, on both sides. But in all fairness I have noticed that it's more prevalent on men. That's why I wasn't so surprised that he went batshit crazy at the idea of you playing in a band without him, while he was doing the very same thing.

I like to be positive about people keeping their relationships together, but in your case I'd be lying if I said I thought it looked solveable. It looks like its just a matter of time, as you said. The guy sounds like he is at an emotional maturity level below yours, which again is not uncommon for men in relationships. Sad truth to the beast.

Wow, that is rough to hear, Allong. I have never been in a band situation, but I have been in a jealous relationship before. Admittedly though, I was the more jealous one. I believe that is what led to the final blows that cost me that relationship. Be it I am only 19 I have not had many, but yeah, it is safe to say I understand where you are coming from. I pushed her away with that jealousy, I am not saying with what was transpiring I did not have a right more than others, but still, I needed to be more trusting. I was not, I lost the relationship as a result.

Strangely enough though, she was having a bad effect on me, and by her breaking up with me it let me live a better life. Now that is sad to say, but it was a very rough relationship, as much as I did love her (And I have never denied loving her).

Jealousy must never be in a relationship, a relationships foundations should only be on pure trust. If you trust that person, then you will never be afraid.

Let me say though, Irminsul was saying how men can be the more immature ones, that is true. However, I find both sexes to be equally jealous. Especially if the other half is very good looking. Now I have learned to say "forget jealousy." But I am young, so it is expected for me to make those mistakes. Now I look at it like this, if I am with a girl and she is contemplating cheating on me, I will leave her so fast her head will spin. I do not need that junk, I can do better.

As I was saying though, beauty is a dangerous thing. People with low self esteem also are killing themselves, because they just feel uncomfortable with everything. They are with someone and they are always jealous, afraid of being left in the dark again, so to speak. You are in a rough bind, as the others have said, I do not know how that is going to be fixed. I think you have done the right thing letting him think on it for now, it is your best bet at this rate.

If he really cares about you, then he will trust you and let you be in a band alone. Look, I am going to go into a band someday, and I will be damned if I let someone else tell me they are jealous of others and I cannot play. Stick up for yourself. Be tough. I wish you all the luck.

Peace out, GuitarAnatomy.

Allong,
You're in a lose - lose situation.
You need to decide either to;
1) Do what he tells you to do,
or
2) Cut your losses and leave NOW.
It all depends upon how much you love him.
.
There's no question as to what I would do, though . . .
.
Let me put it this way. I would NEVER go with anyone who told me where or when I could play music.
.
That's like having someone tell me they don't want me to walk again.
.
Who the hell are they to tell you that you can't play music with people if you want? Especially if they're playing with others?
. . . hypocrit . . .
The Pope himself couldn't stop me from playing music.
And, if he tried, you'd better believe I'd lose religion, real fast . . .
I mean it.
There's a LOT of other fish in the sea, girl . . .
. . . if it was me, I'd tell him to take a long walk on a short pier.
.
I'm on your side, girl.

yea thats a tough one alright,ive seen first hand and it went a little something like this... 1. band starts... 2. bass player(male) hooks up with drummer(female)... 3. everythings wonderfull... 4. they fall out of lust/love... 5. they both think they can perform in the same band and neither will leave as its seen as a sign of weakness... 6. jam turns into open warfare... 7. band falls apart
funny enough ive never been in a band with any female members ever since.

He's giving you an unreasonable ultimatum. Some ultimatum's are resaonable, when a higher moral issue is at stake. This is not one of those cases. Allowing him to control you in this limited way, only lays a base for him eventually controlling all aspects of your life. That is wrong, and would be detrimental to your own psyche and self-respect. You will end up losing yourself if you consent to that, and the relationship will fail in that scenario eventually anyway, in which case you will regret each year you wasted since that time, wondering why you didn't just make the right decision in the first place.

Assuming there is not other issues, like abuse, or falling out of love, he should have the opportunity to reconsider his position first. But I am sensing that he is used to a certain measure of control, and that you have allowed that. He sounds insecure and immature. The unreasonable ultimatum is evidence of insecurity. He can only trust that you will stay around if he controls the situation. And the "if you love something set it free" comment, was probably a veiled threat, meant to portray more confidence than he really possesses. In other words, he is making a bluff... "Oh well, maybe it wasn't meant to be babe."

That is a farce, because he wouldn't try and control you and be jealous if he wasn't afraid of losing you. But allowing you to know he is afraid, would betray insecurity and "put you in control" in his mind. It makes him vulnerable, and he can't afford that.

What he doesn't realize, and unfortunately may not discover until life has knocked him on his ass enough to humble him enough to admit his own mistakes and grow up, is that true love requires free-will as it's basis. Without choosing to love, the love is not real. You cannot "force" someone to love you.

If someone were to tie his partner in a chair, and tell her "I'm doing this because I love you and I don't want to lose you, but I will feed you every day and read to you, and whatever you need, I will be right there for you, but I can't set you free, because I love you too much to risk losing you!"

Not only would that NOT result in love being returned, but it would result instead in fear and ultimately resentment and hatred, because you have been robbed of your freedom.

Emotionally, you are being tied to a chair, on the premise that he loves you so much that he can't risk letting your rope be too long. And even though it is primarily emotional, those emotional bonds will result in the same feelings as the person who was literally imprisoned.

Fear. Resentment. Hatred.

That is not a recipee for love, but of failure.

I have to agree with everyone else, he's trying for control. He can play in another band and you can't?? Not from where I sit, that's going to get nowhere and get there fast. Thanks to some well thought out and written responses already I don't need to go into the psychology of it, that's already been described pretty well. This is the beginning of a long term sore spot between you and I would bet this guy will eventually be a tyrant if he finds out he can get by with this much.

I realize I only have your side of the story, but I've seen the same things the others have related and I agree with Irminsul, the majority of men are more prone to jealousy and insecurity, and this one sounds like a 7 year old kid throwing a fit because mommy turned off the TV.

If he can play you can, that's that. He met you playing music right? It goes with the territory. Bands don't last forever, yours is fizzling out, it's time to get with a different band, he did, you can. Tell him stick his ultimatum where it won't get a suntan, if he can't handle the fact that you want to or do join another band just like he did he's not worth keeping.

Jealous, immature, insecure, petty, selfish...classic recipe for a control problem. Watch out for more overt attempts if you let this one float...

In the future, you are going to look back at this education, and wonder why you stuck around as long as you did. Life's river flows around the rocks that cause ripples, and leaves them stuck in the mud.

<deleted>

You must do as he says.
He's the guy: and we get the final say.
End of discussion.

How else would you feel loved & valued if you leave him?!
hmmmmmm

...? *Tilts head, trying to sense sarcasm or seriousness out of that statement*

Sounds like you already made your decision in moving in with your sister. One person trying to control the actions of another in a relationship will just bring heartache in the long run. Believe me, Ive been on both sides of this situation. The only thing you have any real control over is what you do, dont give that right away to anyone.

This is a sidenote but I dont see how a true musician can ever be involved in a relationaship, cause they are already married to the music.


Good Luck with whatever you decide to do, only you know whats right for you.

Hey, allong,
What do you think?
Do you have enough ammunition to confront your boyfriend now?