#97211 by Jimmy Kennan
Mon Jan 18, 2010 12:27 am
Mon Jan 18, 2010 12:27 am
A friend emailed this to me a while back...always cracks me up!
1. When requesting a song from the band, just say, "Play my song!" They have a chip implanted in their heads with an unlimited database of the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar, so feel free to be vague – they love the challenge. If they do not remember exactly what tune you want, they’re just kidding.
2. Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory. If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, either they’ve that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.
3. It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW, COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend of the Band."
4. Musicians are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for our shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. A musicians job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.
5. If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC/DC!" or "SLAYER!" to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz, for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.
6. When a musician leans over to hear you better, grab their head in both hands and yell directly into their ear. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until they submit. Drummers are often left out of this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboardists are protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.
7. The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time. Their hearing is so advanced that they can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around them.
8. Musicians are expert lip readers, too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled - singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. They love it!
9. If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a compliment.
10. Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.
11. As a last resort…wait until the band takes a break, then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position. See you at the next gig!
1. When requesting a song from the band, just say, "Play my song!" They have a chip implanted in their heads with an unlimited database of the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar, so feel free to be vague – they love the challenge. If they do not remember exactly what tune you want, they’re just kidding.
2. Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory. If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, either they’ve that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.
3. It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW, COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend of the Band."
4. Musicians are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for our shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. A musicians job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.
5. If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC/DC!" or "SLAYER!" to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz, for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.
6. When a musician leans over to hear you better, grab their head in both hands and yell directly into their ear. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until they submit. Drummers are often left out of this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboardists are protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.
7. The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time. Their hearing is so advanced that they can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around them.
8. Musicians are expert lip readers, too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled - singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. They love it!
9. If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a compliment.
10. Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.
11. As a last resort…wait until the band takes a break, then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position. See you at the next gig!
Last edited by Jimmy Kennan on Fri Jan 22, 2010 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
