This is a MUSIC forum. Irrelevant or disrespectful posts/topics will be removed by Admin. Please report any forum spam or inappropriate posts HERE.

All users can post to this forum on general music topics.

Moderators: bandmixmod1, jimmy990, spikedace

#36043 by mistermikev
Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:47 pm
ps I swear I wrote this b4 I read anyones elses response and 3 sentences in I see craig is on the sm road - good for you craig.

#36051 by fretwork
Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:21 pm
I had to give up playing in the band in order to see my 2 kid grow knowing all along that one day I was going to divorce, stop playing didn’t make the marriage any better but I had a plan E.I. waiting for the kids to reach the age of 12 or 13 years old, it wasn’t easy but that was the price to pay for the kids sake.

Kids at that age although not fully grown, are more emotionally prepared to deal with a divorce, more over at that age kids are able to see who is at fault. While waiting for the right time for the split, I build up a track record as a responsible parent which went a long way once we got in front of the Judge. Thankfully all of it is in the past, life is more enjoyable now even though I temporarily suffered financially, but my peace of mind is worth more.

In your case I see possibilities to build up your own track record as a parent and as a husband, you’ve mentioned the tantrums that this woman subjects you and your child to, why don’t you invest in a video camera hide it in a strategic place and record the mistreatment of both your child and yours, start to build up a case against her, try to document her irrationality, her anger particularly toward your child. I also would advice not to leave yourself out of documentation to show the dynamics of your relationship, just be careful how you’ll appear in the tape in case a Judge views it.

If the situation is as you described, it you should have no problem documenting who is the instigator, who is causing the marriage to fail. Of course I’m going with the assumption that you are the victim in which case, I'd implement the outlined plan, but life teaches that for every dispute between married couples there are always three versions of the facts, His Hers and the truth.

I see no magic bullet in you case as it was in mine, your choices are between hard luck and tough, you have to be man enought to deal with it since your concern and actions are dictated for the love of your child, you'll do the right thing.

Good Luck for the child sake.

#36052 by Shapeshifter
Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:31 pm
MMV, I appreciate the sentiments you are conveying, but I personally think you are missing some things in the story...

In regards to your first point, my ex was ALWAYS right. There was never a working it out period. She was right, and if she became angry over a situation, it was resolved when SHE was finished being angry, as opposed to being resolved when WE resolved it. I left that relationiship with a lot of hard feelings, and it wasn't from the lack of trying to be reasonable. I don't consider myself a quitter...I consider myself a survivor (I know that's a little dramatic, but you get the point). My current relationship is great and it is with a woman who is nothing like my ex.

As far as the trust issues go, there's an old saying..."It takes years of hard work to gain someone's trust, an and only a hint of betrayal to lose it. Shred will never have her trust-because it's a power issue...as long as she appears not to trust him, she can use that as leverage against him. I've seen this in many relationships, not only my own experiences.

I agree with what you wrote about keeping it a neutral issue with the child, but beyond that, I simply don't think you understand. With the issues that are going on within that relationship, bringing home wine in flowers is only going to say one thing: "You win again, please walk all over me some more."

MisterMikeV, I'm happy for you. You sound as though you have a wonderful relationship. However, you can't possibly believe that if someone can't make a relationship work, then they are quitters and damaged goods (which is bullsh*t, anyway). WHat is the divorce rate in this country now, 50%? That's a whole bunch of quitters out there.

I really don't mean any disrespect, man, but you don't know what you're talking about. Revel in what you have, for it surely is a good thing. Be thankful for it, but never, ever think that it makes you better than someone else just because you have it. That's the way your statements come off to me.

#36056 by mistermikev
Mon Jul 07, 2008 10:55 pm
joseph6,
I don't imagine you don't like being called a quitter... no one does. no offense meant.
still, there is nothing short of physical violence or constant cheating that would make me believe that you COULD NOT have worked through it... you just didn't want to give what it would have taken - no shame in that - but face the truth.

"your ex was always right" - sounds like you think u r right that your ex was always right.
there is always two ppul who think they are right otherwise there would be no fight.
there is always going to be one person who is ready to make up before the other... there is always going to be one person who doesn't get enough attention/sex/love etc.
these dynamics don't change from relationship to relationship... and it doesn't really matter which end of the spectrum u r on.

People fight because they care... they walk away because they don't.

to a certain extent you need to fight... but do it when you are both calm so that someone is listening...
admit you are wrong even when your aren't... say your sorry even when you don't believe you should have to... then reach that place where you can fight rationally.

if this girl isn't cheating then she just wants to be told that she's the only one. it's not that hard to tell her that. if you want her to stop busting up your session then talk to her right after you give in to HER needs.

TRUST - I don't believe any of us know for sure what the core issue with shreds old lady is...
the one thing I do know is that if it is anything other than "she's continually cheating" then it's something they both can get past.
not everything is worth fighting to the death about (death of the relationship).

"You win again, please walk all over me some more." - who wins if they break up?
with all due respect your disposition is suggestive of the problem not the solution. sounds like who's wrong or right was more important than staying together? (if I'm right u r really not going to like hearing this)
who's wrong or right? who cares. admit you are wrong when you aren't. does it really destroy you to do that in order to get to a place where you can talk it out?

yes, 50% of marriage ends in divorce... that's why we should all try to stay together -no matter what, and don't give up on each other. find some way to get past it. I need to hear this just as much as you/everyone. I write it down just as much for you as for me. does my arrogance dilute my truth?

"I simply don't think you understand." that's ok, u r right - I don't understand... (see how easy that is)

I don't understand your relationship, and WE don't understand shreds. tis foolish to think otherwise. the only reason I can offer my point is because it negates any specifics of the marriage.


no, what makes me better than everyone else is that I am the great mikev! just kidding.
anyone who has read a few posts of mine knows that I am not in this for the popularity... in fact I'm quite unpopular... but I like it that way... cause the truth is often unpopular and certainly more important.

#36058 by mistermikev
Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:01 pm
I have seen the error in my ways: I would amend drug problems to my list as well.

#36067 by gbheil
Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:30 am
OMG I just realized my wife who forgave my cheating is a saint.
God can heal!

#36076 by mistermikev
Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:22 am
if yer wife forgave you she IS a saint... take that to the bank.
just so I'm not misunderstood... I think cheating IS something a couple can work through... one time deal only. that is why I said "continuously".
if you do it again I doubt she'll forgive you... and she shouldn't. If you did it two months into the relationship I'd say she should have walked away. If you had some sort of history then only she can judge whether you were sincerely sorry for what you did.


I didn't mean to hijack your thread shred. sorry bout that.

#36093 by Rick Stringfellow
Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:23 pm
Dude. Young children need a mother's care. Your son is past that age. From about the age of four, a son begins to split from the mother and gravitate toward the father. It's natural development. If you leave your wife (who, if you haven't noticed, is destroying the one and only life you're ever going to have), you've got to take your son with you. He's going to want to live with you anyway and if you don't fix it so he can, he'll explode later on.

#36095 by Shred9
Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:29 pm
That's O.K. Mike because it doesn't matter anyway. I started this thread looking for some advice from people who have been through what I'm going through and I got a ton of great advice from some really awesome people. Then you jumped in and apparently didn't read what was written and you came up with quotes that didn't exist, you've never been in such a situation (so why put your 2 cents in where it doesn't belong), and somehow misconstrued absolute facts. I've got enough information now so once again I'd like to thank all of the others that were so kind as to help me out. This will be a long and heart felt road, but I'll do what is right in the end.

Oh yeah Mike; a little piece of advice...I wouldn't go around calling people quitters that you don't know in real life. Karma has a funny way of dealing with issues such as that... 8)

#36096 by jw123
Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:29 pm
Mikey your a better man than I.

Shredd one little extra advice, I wouldnt post too much stuff on here about this situation. I do have a friend that ranted and raved on some website (not here) but when his divorce got nasty they tracked where he had been thru his computor and a lot of things he typed became evidence.

I wish I had put this in my first post.

I truelly wish you all the luck in the world, but sometimes I think things have just gone too far.

On another note I was pallbearer at one of my aunts funerals yesterday. They had been married for close to 60 yrs. I know they went thru way more than i ever have and they stuck together thru it all and loved each other til the end. Theres something to be said for that. I mean to have someone there for you no matter what happens.

#36118 by mistermikev
Tue Jul 08, 2008 5:32 pm
Shred9 wrote:That's O.K. Mike because it doesn't matter anyway. I started this thread looking for some advice from people who have been through what I'm going through and I got a ton of great advice from some really awesome people. Then you jumped in and apparently didn't read what was written and you came up with quotes that didn't exist, you've never been in such a situation (so why put your 2 cents in where it doesn't belong), and somehow misconstrued absolute facts. I've got enough information now so once again I'd like to thank all of the others that were so kind as to help me out. This will be a long and heart felt road, but I'll do what is right in the end.

Oh yeah Mike; a little piece of advice...I wouldn't go around calling people quitters that you don't know in real life. Karma has a funny way of dealing with issues such as that... 8)


"quotes that didn't exist" -everything I quoted was in a post on this thread... feel free to verify that by actually reading.

sure I've been in such a situation... it's called a relationship... but if you want to take only the advice of those who've been in a bad one, please do, and see if that gets you into a good one.
I don't give advice because I want to be your friend. I gave it because I honestly hope you consider stepping away from your anger and trying to make it work. Take that regardless of whether you like me or not.

not ME calling you anything... it's the def of the word... if you wanna call it "moving on" or "getting out" or "making the right move" - I could care less... go ahead and convince yourself... the fact is 'to discontinue' the relationship is to 'quit trying to keep it going'... think about why those words are so ugly to you...

I'm pretty sure my point of view is no more or less valid than anyone else's... but ask yourself why is mine the one that disturbs you and other so... is it because I'm not just telling you what you want to hear?

honestly, seriously, from the bottom of my heart - good luck with that - whatever you decide.

#36121 by mistermikev
Tue Jul 08, 2008 5:48 pm
jw123 wrote:Mikey your a better man than I.


well, I beg to differ. apparently I'm not very good at passing along earnest advice w/o sounding arrogant... or perhaps this is simply a touchy subject. either way i stand by everything i've said... and do my best to practice it.

#36131 by Shapeshifter
Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:23 pm
Mike, you are entitled to your opinion, and I respect you for standing by it.

If I came off a little hostile, I apologize. The truth is that I recognize much of Shredd's situation as similar to the events in my own. My best friend, whom I have known since the age of six, is currently going through a divorce after 14 years of marriage and two children. The reasons for the divorce are once again similar to my own as well as Shredd's. This has struck a chord with me, if you excuse the expression.

WHen I said you didn't understand, this is what I was trying to get at:
My ex took every dime I made. I was making $50 grand a year and didn't own a car-mine had died, and we never "had the money to buy a new one". Of course, we always had money when she wanted something or just wanted to go out and blow a wad of cash. She also talked me into seven credit cards, which she pushed to the limit-and then blamed me for it-although I had nothing of my own. We lived in a house that she picked out, against my wishes, and I paid the payments. All the while, she sat on her ass and told me how much more important her job was-although, in reality, she NEVER brought home a paycheck in three years!! On the list of personal needs, I regularly fell behind her herself, her children, her grandmother, her ex husband and her boss! Everyday, I had to take my cell phone everywhere I went, so she knew where I was and what I was doing. GOd help me if I missed her call. I wasn't allowed to handle the finances. I wasn't allowed to make decisions in the very house for which I was paying. The list goes on and on. I worked until three in the morning, and most of the time, she expected me to get up early and take her kids to school, while she laid in bed.
To sum it up, my needs were not important. The only thing that mattered was that she had total control, and I play nice and go along. The was no talking, no rationalization, and no compromise. When I was laid off from my job, and the unemployment ran out, she conveiniently decided that the relationship wasn't working out. So I QUIT, packed up the few possessions that I had retained, and moved back in with my parents (at age 34). I had no dignity, no money, no self worth. In the following months, I realized more and more what a pathetic sucker I had been, and wondered how in the hell I ever let myself be treated like that. Even after the relationship, she kept everything, and I ended up paying off most of the bills. $20,000+ worth. For a guy who had no car, no job, no money. I couldn't even afford a lawyer to sue her ass.

Trust me, Mike, you don't understand. I'm not a quitter, I'm not "damaged goods." However, and I really mean this, I would love to know how I could have fixed that situation (by your own rationale, it's going to happen to me again, right?)

#36136 by jw123
Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:39 pm
Lets not turn this into a pissing match.

Until you walk in some one elses shoes you really cant give them any advice that matters just encourage them to stay positve.

Shredd obviously needed to hear some sympathy from some of us that maybe have walked in his shoes a little ways, just so he knows hes not alone.

It seems like in my life when I ever used a holier than thou attitude to anyone about anything it came back and bit me on the ass, and then I could say now I understand.

As they say Karma can work in weird ways.

Shredd find some kind of local support group to get involved with so you know you arent alone.

#36137 by Kramerguy
Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:47 pm
Nice guys do finish last joseph..

I too traveled that road. Lucky for me I always saw the light before marriage entered the picture.

I think Mike just sees the brighter side of life, and he's right that in a lot of cases, things can be worked out, and the only thing getting in the way of a lot of those cases is nothing more than stubbornness, the lack of willingness to negotiate on one or both sides.

What Mike doesn't see is that some girls lie from day one. I've known plenty of women who disguise who they really are, everything they say is a decisive response based on what they think you or me wants to hear. They do themselves up, get you hooked on who you think they are, and then once they got that ring on their finger, BAM!! All bets are off, the mask comes off and suddenly a man realizes that he's married to a shallow, man-hating, emotionally scarred, spoiled little disrespecting bitch, who KNOWS she's got her man by the balls. He don't dare stand up for himself or he will lose everything, including his kids. This type of woman would outright lie in court and accuse the man of molesting his kids, beating them, beating her, being an alcoholic, druggie, etc...

All out of spite, simply because he would rather quit the marriage than live as a man-slave, and emotional tampon, only a shell of the man he once was.

Not all women are like that, but I would say, from personal experience, that about half are.

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 52 guests