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No offense to the bassists out there.
All in good fun, okay?






Here's the official 2008 Bassist Fine Schedule - ready to print
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-Musical Offenses-
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping - $25
Loud cursing after mistake - $10
Playing high & fast after mistake - $20
Practicing two-handed tapping between tunes - $20
Asking for E tuning note - $25
Writing note names over ledger line notes - $50
Writing beat numbers under dotted figures - $50
Playing unnecessary eighth notes - $5 each
Playing unnecessary sixteenth notes - $10 each
Playing above first octave - Dismissal
Dragging fast tempo - $75
Dragging ballad tempo - $100
Blacking out during ballad - $200
Ignoring drummer's tempo - $250
Asking to borrow real book for "All Of Me" - $1000

-Upright Players-
Faking changes - $25
Slapping - $150
Excessive sweating - $25
Asking leader for a solo - $30
Accepting solo when offered - $50
Taking second chorus - $100
Playing solo arco - $400
Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune - $100
Playing "A Train" ending on every tune - $200
Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune - $500

-Electric Players-
Checking hair between tunes - $15
Experimenting with odd meters - $25
Missing the root at the end of a blistering fill - $35
Playing with a pick - $75
Tuning during a ballad - $200
Playing Jaco groove on samba - $75.50
Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad - $150
Attempting last word on final chord - $50
Long gliss down to final note - $225

-Equipment Violations-
Forgetting strap - $10
Changing strings after every set - $15
Using electric tuner - $15
Setting up mic "Just in case" - $75
Forgetting to turn amp on - $85
Bringing amp larger than one person can carry - $100
Asking drummer for help moving amp - $125
Bringing custom made bass - $100 per string above four
Bringing more than one bass - $100 per extra bass
Skull decals on bass (or cabinet) - $150
Bringing fretless bass - $500

-Criminal Bad Taste-
Telling drummer about all the side gigs you get - $10
Asking guitarist about his day gig - $10
Sitting behind drumset on break - $40
Quoting "Birdland" - $25.50
Mooching a lift to the gig - (Electric $50 - Upright $200 + gas money)
Practicing scales during break - $35
Practicing scales during drum solo - Dismissal
Practicing - $150

TOTAL FINE DUE: $________

... Ouch. Lmao.

Wow! I guess I owe some people a lot of money...but then again, that was coming from a drummer-who we all know are not real musicians! (just kidding-I guess you'd have to be familiar with the previous discussion to get that joke).

By the way, I counted 23 infractions that I make on a regular basis, and the $10 fine alone for cursing loudly after making a mistake would send me straight to the poor house.

Joseph6,

I am at the poor house now, Come on in. lol

This is good. I'm right there with you singin drummer!!

except this one
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping - $25
Should read
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping - dismaissal

I got a better one:

Playing directly to the crowd while wearing sunglasses - Punishment: Eternity listening to Britney Spears sing "Baby One More Time.

I saw a bassist do that once, he was playing probably four notes the whole song (And you could barely hear him) and he walks up to each person in the audience with his sunglasses on, playing. I am like, "Not cool, get back up on stage and take the sunglasses off!"

Lmao.

Peace out, GuitarAnatomy.

Maybe we can give em a break on that fifth string ifn he knows how to use it. What do ya think?

I'm not in violation of anything. And I can sing too. Later...

how much would the fine be for having a custom fretless.....gulp...its probably more then I paid for it

Good list. And a lot of it is common sense, or common courtesy. eh?
.
Of course, I guess common sense and common courtesy isn't as common as it should be anymore, eh?

Ignoring drummer's tempo - $250 <----- Inexcusable! (unless the drummer is worse)
Playing high & fast after mistake - $20 <----- WTF? Take all his money!
Missing the root at the end of a blistering fill - $35 <----- OUCH! add a zero to the end of that
Long gliss down to final note - $225 <---- This should never happen
Bringing amp larger than one person can carry - $100 <----- Should result in an "accident" involving said monster amp.
Practicing scales during drum solo - Dismissal <---- and a drum stick in the back of the head on his way out

I heard that James Brown used to fine his band for the slightest of offenses. Anyone else ever hear that?

Scarlet,
I have to take issue with the "to large to carry bass amp issue" . In my new band, (a trio, since we have yet to find a guitarist), my son the bass player is using his little "Peavey TKO". Sounds good. Years back, however, when I was playing true "ass kick" original rock, Our bass player used the "mother of all bass amps", an honest to goodness "Ampeg STV". It took two of us just to set the "amp" on its speaker cabinet. I tell ya' in all truth, it was worth every grunt!

I always take two basses to gigs. Always. Except once. In twenty years I'd never broken a string and the backup bass had been packed away so it would have taken half an hour to get to it.

So that night I broke a string.

Not the G, not the D. The A. On a five string.

Fortunately I did have an old set of strings in the case.

I'll take the $100 fine for bringing an extra bass.

But, I think there was a typo. I think the fine should be $150 for not using an electric tuner. Higher for guitar players.

scarletrust wrote:I heard that James Brown used to fine his band for the slightest of offenses. Anyone else ever hear that?

Yeah, I heard it too. The guy was an asshole. Shows you, with talent comes evil, lol.

Peace out, GuitarAnatomy.