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I found this recently in a local rag called "The Grid", and even though it's written to the local crowd, I thought I'd post it to see if any of you resonate with what the author is saying. So tell me, is it as bad in your neck of the woods? Better? Worse?

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You're a Flake


Musicians of Salt Lake City, I have bad news for you: You're a bunch of flakes.

Well, not all. But many of you are. A large enough number, as a matter of fact, that the dear ol' City of Salt is quickly getting a reputation as one of the biggest musical flake magnets in the nation. You can hear the hue and cry, far and wide - if you're trying to work with musicians in Salt Lake City, be prepared for a litany of frustrations you'd never imagined existed. The weirdest part of this is, we're also known as a population of some of the most brilliant and talented musicians in the nation. But it doesnt take a genius to figure out that all of one's talent and appeal comes to nothing, if no one wants to work with you. So, how did we get this dreadful honor and what can we do about it?

What is a Flake?

You've all heard the term before. "He's so flakey." "She's such a flake." "That one has a high flake factor..". But what do they mean? The flake- as opposed to its close cousin, The Asshole (subject of another article) - is generally characterized as one who is unresponsive, irresponsible, and unreliable. All three make you a solid flake, whereas possessing one or two of those descriptors might merely give you a degree of flakiness as determined by the standard KMFS (Kenny Martinez Flake Scale).

So, what is a Flake? Let's break down The Flake to their most common descriptive elements (this is not a complete list, but its a good start):

The "Broken Fingers" Syndrome

You scan the musician wanted ads and find the perfect gig. FINALLY, a singer looking to hook up with a fire juggling bagpiper! So you send off an email or forum message telling this person that you are the one they have been waiting for. And you wait. And wait. And wait. And wait some more. Nothing. You check to see if your email bounced for some reason. Nope, no bounce message. So you luck out and find a phone contact, and you leave a message which, like its email predecessor, goes unreplied to and lost in dead air. So, you're basically left guessing; Do I suck? Was it my picture? Are they still alive? And you have just wasted your time and emotional energy on a person who must have broken fingers - incapable of typing an email or dialing a phone number. Or more precisely, because they couldn't be bothered to respond in any form.

Johnny Come Lately

Being chronically late to rehearsals, planning meetings or performances. Often this is the prerequiste of the Rock Star mindset, where the late one misses meeting time, set up, sound check and opening but miraculously runs onto stage right when his or her part comes in during the show. To the wild screams of the adoring audience who feel blessed to bathe in glory of such a musical god.

Johnny Come Never

Promising to be present and prepared at such musical events, and not showing up. This is arguably the most aggrivating characteristic of the true flake, and one in which, according to the words of comedian George Carlin, can result in the honest urge to take the life of a fellow human being.

Mr. Wonderful

Saying that you have certain musical skills, training or experience that you actually do not have.

"Yes, I play drums, bass, keyboards, guitar, sax, didjerrdoo and violin, and can transpose Stravinsky's entire Rite of Spring for boys'choir.

Uhm....what a lead sheet, again?"

The Freeloader

Failing to "pull your weight" by relying on other band members for transportation, equipment use, money or other basics - or waltzing away from the work of setup and tear down just because you are the singer and your only piece of equipment is a microphone. Not to pick on vocalists, but they seem to be most prone to this behavior.


Is Flakism Curable?

Now, the good news. Just because one is a flake does not mean one must remain a flake. In fact, observing a few simple behavior modifications usually turns the flake into a decent, productive human being. Here is the short list that can help you attain this goal.

1. When you get an email from a prospective collaborator, answer it. Even if you don't have time at the moment to dig through all of their MySpace audio clips, at the very least, acknowledge them. Tell them you'll audition their work and get back to them. A "thank you" even goes a long way. If they clearly aren't for you, do them the honor of telling them so. It takes less than twenty seconds. Don't be an ignorant, lazy ass.

The same rules go for returning phone calls and messages.

2. When you schedule or promise to be somewhere in which other musicians are relying on you, be there. On time. Swear to god, it won't kill you. Make sure to get everyone's (or at least the head honcho's) cell number and call them if you had an emergency that's going to make you late or unable to show up. Jesus, does this stuff really need to be reiterated for thinking adults? This is crap you should have learned as a 10 year old.

3. Don't lie about your abilities or experience. Remember that musicality is alot like sexuality...at some point in the relationship, the pants will have to come off and truth will be known. Fluffing up your "resume" with wild claims you cannot deliver on will just end up pissing people off and will make you look like a fool.

4. Stop being a couch surfer, in all of its aspects. Others have to work hard for their equipment, transportation and life basics. Just because you are beknighted with the title "musician" does not mean the rest of humanity is at your beckon call. Have your own stuff, pull together enough dough from your gig at Wendy's to purchase a beater in order to at least get you around town. When its time to set up, help out until its done. When its time to tear down, leave the partying until the equipment is loaded.

Flake behavior is expected when you're 18, when its cool to be an idiot. But at some point everybody, no matter how hip they are, has to grow up and pursue the music thing with some responsibility if they want to do anything besides play at the sports bar. Your rep is like what the ancient Greeks called your "Arete" or your spirit mantel - its this giant bubble that surrounds you and expands for miles in all directions, and tells the outside world what you are like. It precedes your actual contact with others and gives them a prejudice about you, either positive or negative. The flake constructs an "arete" around him or her that tells the world "this person is an unreliable, irresponsible jerk". When you decide to leave flakedom behind, its no guarantee that you'll be playing Madison Square Gardens in a week, but at the very least it is a plus. There is no down side to flake recovery.

So, go ye therefore....and flake no more.



- Ningo Stingo

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CT has tons of flakes.

I'd be willing to bet theres probably a 50% flake rate no matter where you go.
Which leads me to, why i don't really network with most musicians; the people i'd like to interact with are normally busy (because they are musicians with integrity) the rest...even though my rig is overall light weight, it's still a PITA to lug it around only to find out i wasted my time.

And there are lots of them in the Kansas City area like everywhere else. Sometimes I get surprised and one gets by my phone or internet interogation. Their BS doesn't last very long. Life is too short to screw around with someone who doesn't know what they're doing. If someone doesn't show up for rehearsal without calling us they're never showing up for another one, I don't care what their excuse is. Usually if someone tells me how great a musician they are I get suspicious that they suck, and my suspicions are usually confirmed. Real good musicians I have ever met are usually humble, and in their mind they can get better which they usually do. I am strongly rooted with my feet on solid ground. Those who are not I tend not to associate with, particularly in the music world. Your down to earth bluesman fisherman bob...and remember that work is for people who don't fish...later

Bob made some excellent points. Quoting Bob:
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> BS doesn't last very long.
> Life is too short to screw around with someone who doesn't know what they're doing.
> If someone doesn't show up for rehearsal without calling us they're never showing up for another one.
> Real good musicians I have ever met are usually humble, and in their mind they can get better.
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Thanks, Bob.
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Let me add a few more points.

> If you say you're going to do something, DO IT. If you don't, then you are a hindrance.
> If I tell you I'm not interested - stop calling.
> If you think something is too much trouble for you: SAY SO. Do NOT say YES unless you mean YES.
> If you are not fully prepared: Tell me you can't do it.
> Don't even THINK about telling me it's too hard. Ever hear of PRACTICE? I practiced, to get better. What's stopping you? What are you - lazy? 3 hours a week doesn't cut it . . .
> Don't keep asking me to play something easier. If you think it's too hard, that is not a reflection on my ability. That is a reflection on your experience and the amount of time you spend practicing. If you think something is too hard, you might want to think twice before opening your mouth . . .
> If you don't want to learn anything, then you are on your own.
> Tell me your goals. And - don't lie.
> Don't lie
> Don't fib
> don't distort the truth . . . get the point?
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I know that honest exceptions happen, and - I fogive them, of course.
But some people show a history of saying one thing - & then doing another.
Hey, guys - if you don't honor your word, you have lied. And, in many people's opinions: a man (woman) is only as good as his or her word.
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My opinion is this: If you repeatedly PROVE your word is no good; then neither are YOU; - bye - bye . . .
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My number one point:
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IF YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING: DO IT! (damya!)
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Ahhhh . . . I feel better now . . .

. . . was it good for you, too?

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Irminsul - thankya for bringing it up.

SO RIGHT corn flakes, dandruff flakes, being honest, thats what i like, people have buisness and things to do, schedules to follow and like you guys said any type of response if good.

I just had a drummer cancel - he said he has a heavy work schedule for the next 2 weeks.
We'd previously exchanged several emails, all positive.
But he didn't cancel until I tried to set something up.
Hey, all I'm asking is for you to put your money where your mouth is . . .
I said, "ok, I'll put you in the 'inactive file."
Translation: You're a flake! Get lost, pal - don't waste anymore of my tiime.
I don't care if he comes back in 2 weeks or not - I've heard that same excuse before; and it only comes out when you try to set sometihing up.
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I think these people are kind of groupies - they want to hob-nob with the musicians.
But when you ask to hear them play - the excuses come out.
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Lord, spare me from these time-wasters

Ah, textbook "Mr. Wonderful" from the article. He wouldn'thave lasted ten seconds doing that sort of thing around classical musicians.

We dont often use the word flake over here as it relates more to a chocolate bar made by Cadbury's. Sadly the type of person described is rife here also, we call them dickhead gobshites.
Some of these peolple are actually really good musicians, (not all wanna be's). The fact is that some of us have a strange passion and vision regarding playing and creating music, this passion is not very evenly distributed. Thus the ones with the passion get frustrated by the ones with the lack of passion and committment.
These lip flappers are in all walks of life and constant exposure to them over a long period of time can turn a person into a misanthrope.
As stated in the relative posts above if only people would stick to their word the world would be a better place.

Lol, I once had a singer not make practice. His excuse was one word...chicks. Rock Star syndrome all the way.

We are all strange, [Flakey], whatever, In our own way. Knowing your own faults is the first step, Before judging others. {Hell...! We're talking about musicians for 'christ sake'} I prefer to look for the best instead of the worst in people. But I do understand it can be frustrating at times. This subject period seems [flakey] to me. But who am I to say? Guess I may be a little flakey myself! [PS. GOOD TO SEE YOU 'BassPlay3r'..............Peace.

"Strange" is not the same as "flakey", as I thought the article at the head of this thread quite nicely illustrated. Strange is expected. Flakey is a pain in the ass.

When it comes to musicians, being 'strange' can be a good thing.

If, all other things being equal, I was given a choice of working with 2 different musicians, and one was 'ordinary' and the other was 'strange'; I'd choose the strange one.
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Nothing wrong with being ordinary - especially if you're just a fan, or maybe if you want to only play covers.
But when it comes to writing new stuff, I suspect there's a corrolation between 'stangeness' and creativity.
Some of the better musicians I've worked with have interrupted their playing to ask me if it sounded weird, or incongruous.
I thought it sounded better than regular stuff.
Regular stuff is mediocre.
The strange person either doesn't know how to be ordinary, or they don't WANT to be ordinary.
Although 'strange ' people may not always as confident as the mediocre musician, the weird ones seem a little more braver and creative . . .
And a 'madman' / 'madwoman' could write music that's out of this world.
Thank God for mad-men/women.
I think it helps your music to be a little insane.
. . .
Now, where'd I leave my Invisibility Ray? I hear the pod-people coming for me . . .

To say there are a lot of flakes around doesnt even scratch the surface! I am in Phoenix and have been searching for people to play and get the same sh*t! Like you say, did you ever hear of practice!!! I have even gone as far as burning individual c d and handing them out and they come back the next week w/out even having practiced at all!!!! Then they wonder why they suck. hey I am not sayin I am the hot sh*t but at least I will practice and be ready to play and be on time too!! Just a little respect for my time too eh! But I still hope, althoug it seeeeems that more guys today like the idea of being a musician rather than putting in the time to actually becoming one so no, your not alone out there but keep keepin on cause some of us are serious so dont give up!!! MRG2U. WIERD HOUSE STUDIOS GLENDALE AZ.

mrg2u, you said:
" guys today like the idea of being a musician rather than putting in the time to actually becoming one . . ."
Hmmm - I've met plenty of people who want to get on stage and be a star . . . by playing 4 or 5 basic chords . . .
. . . but I've only met a few who were truly interested in becoming a musician . . .
I've seen some 'guitar players' nowadays who are only a few steps above playing an 'air-guitar' . . . but, man, they sure can ACT like they're really playing something wonderful, huh?
Gee, just look at them swing that guitar around and grimace - they must be reeeeaaal good. . . .
Everybody wants to be the star.
And me? I just want to play good music; let someone else be the "star."