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So the other day i was in my doctor's examination room for a physical checkup. The doctor came into the room and told me, "The first thing you have to do is to stop masturbating".

Alarmed, I asked, "Why"?

The doctor said, "So I can examine you."

Do ya'll know what the first sign you have AIDS is?



That rapid pounding on your backside!

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

An old man was sitting on his porch when a kid came up the street with a roll of duck tape. "Hey kid, where you going wiith the duck tape?" asked the old man.
"I'm going down to the pond and catch some ducks."
"You can't catch ducks with duck tape."
"I can." said the kid.
A half hour later the kid comes back with some ducks stuck to the tape.
"I'll be darned" said the old man.
Next day the kid walks by again with catnip and a stringer.
"What you got and where you going kid?"
"Catnip and a stringer. Going to the pond and catch some catfish." said.
the kid. "You can't catch catfish that way" said the old man.
"I can" said the kid.
A half hour later the kid comes back with a bunch of catfish.
The next day the kid comes walking by with a bunch of pu**y willow.
The old guy yells out "Hey kid wait for me."

A Skeleton walks into a bar and says

"I'll have a beer.......and a MOP!"

cheers!

John

Guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a shot. He drinks the beer and pours the shot into the breast pocket of his jacket.

The bartender is wondering what's up.

Dude orders another round. Same thing.

Bartender can't handle it anymore - he has to ask: "So what is it with you and this pouring a shot into your pocket?"

The guy nails him. Right cross to the chin and down he goes. A mouse pokes his head out of the fellow's pocket, raises his middle finger, and shouts, "Yeah! And f**k your cat too!"

Talbot

A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room. "Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!"

"That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts."

A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: "Doctor, she moaned!"

"Very good," says the doctor. "Now try oral sex. She should certainly react to that!"

Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet. "Doctor -- she died."

"No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims.

"Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."

MikeTalbot wrote:Guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a shot. He drinks the beer and pours the shot into the breast pocket of his jacket.

The bartender is wondering what's up.

Dude orders another round. Same thing.

Bartender can't handle it anymore - he has to ask: "So what is it with you and this pouring a shot into your pocket?"

The guy nails him. Right cross to the chin and down he goes. A mouse pokes his head out of the fellow's pocket, raises his middle finger, and shouts, "Yeah! And f**k your cat too!"

Talbot

haha best one on this thread! But then again I do have a stupid sense of humour

cheers!

John

JMZ

Well - you've made my day. That's my favorite joke and you are the first person EVER to find it amusing!

Talbot

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2011 from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico ; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
1 useless President.
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

MikeTalbot wrote:JMZ

Well - you've made my day. That's my favorite joke and you are the first person EVER to find it amusing!

Talbot

well you dont hang around the right group of people. You've seen our mayor in Toronto right? haha

cheers!

John