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How positive is too positive for a grunge/metal song?

I'm trying to finish something here, but my own lyrics are making me sick. It's too happy a tune to do anything else, though.

Lyrically, it's to be a short song, so only six short verses. You should be able to read the tune of it through the lyrics. There are a few possibilities for the last verse at the end.


"Deaf"

Sitting around the house,***
Watching TV with the sound turned way down;
Must be another way,
To make something worthwhile of today.



Maybe we just make it too easy,
Maybe we're just not living it right;
You claim you're so happy to see me,
I wanna do something else tonight.




Walking out on the porch,
The rain falls but the drops make no sound;
Headlights turning this way,
Pretending I can't hear what you say.




Maybe if you'd just speak more softly,
Maybe I wouldn't tune it all out;
There's something that you want to tell me,
I'll not hear it even if you shout.




Living as though I'm deaf,
With the mute button pointed at you;
I'm going for a walk,
In the park where noone can ever talk.



(Three possible finishes-CHOOSE 1)

(Number One)

Maybe I'll live forever this way,
Where I'll never have to listen again;
If you try to tell me with your hands,
My eyes will close not to open again!

I've gone deaf
I've gone deaf
I've gone deaf to you (X2)


(Number Two)

Maybe if you'd just whisper to me,
Maybe I'd start to listen anew;
When that happens you must understand,
There's still so much that I want to do.


(Number Three)

Maybe I'm just sick of listening,
Maybe I'm just sick of talking too;
I think that you'll find it comforting,
You might really like to play deaf too.


***The first line of, "Good," by Better than Ezra is, "Looking around the house." I wrote the first line of this song knowing that, but not for that reason.

OPtion 4...

Nothing wrong with me
Nothing Wrong with me..

Let the bodies hit the floor...
Let the bodies hit the floor...


Oh wait..sorry,...that's already been done

It doesn't seem appropriate to create a new thread just to say this, but I love, "Blue Steel Dripping," and, "She Don't Love Me Anymore."

You're just completely out of your mind with your vocals on the latter. Also, I think the tune for the latter could be easily turned into a hard rock/metal, maybe an Arena sort of thing...I wish I had written it.

It's easily one of the most jam-worthy Blues songs I've ever heard in my life. I guess my only complaint would be that the lyrics are somewhat generic, if I listen to it a few times, would lyrical suggestions offend you?

Yes, they would offend him.

PierceG wrote:It doesn't seem appropriate to create a new thread just to say this, but I love, "Blue Steel Dripping," and, "She Don't Love Me Anymore."

You're just completely out of your mind with your vocals on the latter. Also, I think the tune for the latter could be easily turned into a hard rock/metal, maybe an Arena sort of thing...I wish I had written it.

It's easily one of the most jam-worthy Blues songs I've ever heard in my life. I guess my only complaint would be that the lyrics are somewhat generic, if I listen to it a few times, would lyrical suggestions offend you?

Thank You PierceG,


For the record, The generic lyrics... I actually agree with you...

To be fair, its wasn't really about a 'chick' per se...Its about my smoking habit, which I gave up after it nearly killed me. The problem with that song, is that it fails to openly convey the context I had intended. But Its such a solid standard, that I rattled out what you heard. I didn't want to just come out and say the bitch nearly killed me... Nor did I want to say I quit smoking because of a threat to my health... (Too preachy) When I produce the song proper, expect some change in the lyric to reflect the context better.
I'm always open to suggestions... But no guarantee I'll use them... but I do Listen. : )

You may be affable but you give no example of yourself
dispite the sapposed recordings.
What's up widat.[/b]

PaperDog wrote:Thank You PierceG,


For the record, The generic lyrics... I actually agree with you...

To be fair, its wasn't really about a 'chick' per se...Its about my smoking habit, which I gave up after it nearly killed me. The problem with that song, is that it fails to openly convey the context I had intended. But Its such a solid standard, that I rattled out what you heard. I didn't want to just come out and say the bitch nearly killed me... Nor did I want to say I quit smoking because of a threat to my health... (Too preachy) When I produce the song proper, expect some change in the lyric to reflect the context better.
I'm always open to suggestions... But no guarantee I'll use them... but I do Listen. : )

That's awesome. The premise of the song is certainly original, so that's definitely something that gives you room to play. I'm going to listen to it and see what I can come up with, and I appreciate your kind ear whether you end up using them or not.

I think a couple of references to fire are almost going to be a given. I'm also thinking of a line like, "She brought me way up, then almost brought me down," because it kind of works like a double entendre. The apparent meaning is that your love for her almost killed you, the literal meaning is that smoking almost killed you, and the 'hidden' meaning is that the process of quitting (as it does) brought you down emotionally.

I think maybe we could also slide a reference to dopamine in there somewhere, or would that be too obvious?

KLUGMO wrote:You may be affable but you give no example of yourself
dispite the sapposed recordings.
What's up widat.[/b]

The supposed recordings are basically just me going a crappella into this old boombox that will record over blank cassettes. They're really just meant to be for my reference only, and the sound quality (of course) is very poor. I basically just use them as a measure of whether or not I'm hitting certain notes, and to make sure my mechanics are decent in terms of breathing control and smoothly transitioning from chest-middle-head...at least to whatever poor extent it can be said I have a head voice!

Anyway, that's the only purpose they really serve. The sound quality is so poor that I would never let anyone listen to them, shoot, I'd sound far better just singing right in front of you! Besides that, it would be a pain to convert them from a cassette to the Internet.

Finally, I kind of just stumbled on this Forum, even though I really like it. I initially joined this website to try to find people with whom to start a band, and they'd be all local people, so I would just drive over to them at some pre-appointed time and sing for them, see what they think.

EDIT: I'll check your songs out either later today or tomorrow, KLUGMO, I'm actually working for the overnight guy, but I'm on the computer w/o speakers right now and don't feel like waiting for the one in my office w/speakers to get fired back up.

I like option 2

Option 4... Ithink you've got it right just the way you have it. Not as options, but including all three the way you have it. Beautiful, Man!

Thanks, CrunchySoundBite, that's greatly appreciated!

PaperDog wrote:To be fair, its wasn't really about a 'chick' per se...Its about my smoking habit, which I gave up after it nearly killed me. The problem with that song, is that it fails to openly convey the context I had intended. But Its such a solid standard, that I rattled out what you heard. I didn't want to just come out and say the bitch nearly killed me... Nor did I want to say I quit smoking because of a threat to my health... (Too preachy) When I produce the song proper, expect some change in the lyric to reflect the context better.
I'm always open to suggestions... But no guarantee I'll use them... but I do Listen. : )

Man, what a great song...

I might have more ideas than just this. I usually write lyrics and then wait a day and write something else (X5), but here's what I'm thinking today. I want to keep the lead line, of course:

Well, she told me last night that she don't love me anymore!
Yeah, she told me last night that she don't love me anymore!

Well, she told me last night that the fire don't burn no more!
Yeah, she told me last night that the flames won't burn no more!

Well, I looked in the mirror and I seen the fire in my eyes,
Yeah, I looked in the mirror and I seen the fire in my eyes.

Yeah, but I told myself, "Son, that fire's filled with lies!"

Oh no! (X4)


Well, I'm feelin' distressed wishin' she was here with me,
Yeah, I feel so stressed now that she ain't here with me,

Well, I gotta leave that girl alone now it's just me!

Oh no! (X4)

Well, she told me last night that she don't love me anymore,
Yeah, she told me last night that she don't love me anymore.

Well, I looked in the mirror and knew what I had to do,
You said the fire burnt out, so now I'm done with you.

PierceG wrote:

PaperDog wrote:To be fair, its wasn't really about a 'chick' per se...Its about my smoking habit, which I gave up after it nearly killed me. The problem with that song, is that it fails to openly convey the context I had intended. But Its such a solid standard, that I rattled out what you heard. I didn't want to just come out and say the bitch nearly killed me... Nor did I want to say I quit smoking because of a threat to my health... (Too preachy) When I produce the song proper, expect some change in the lyric to reflect the context better.
I'm always open to suggestions... But no guarantee I'll use them... but I do Listen. : )

Man, what a great song...

I might have more ideas than just this. I usually write lyrics and then wait a day and write something else (X5), but here's what I'm thinking today. I want to keep the lead line, of course:

Well, she told me last night that she don't love me anymore!
Yeah, she told me last night that she don't love me anymore!

Well, she told me last night that the fire don't burn no more!
Yeah, she told me last night that the flames won't burn no more!

Well, I looked in the mirror and I seen the fire in my eyes,
Yeah, I looked in the mirror and I seen the fire in my eyes.

Yeah, but I told myself, "Son, that fire's filled with lies!"

Oh no! (X4)


Well, I'm feelin' distressed wishin' she was here with me,
Yeah, I feel so stressed now that she ain't here with me,

Well, I gotta leave that girl alone now it's just me!

Oh no! (X4)

Well, she told me last night that she don't love me anymore,
Yeah, she told me last night that she don't love me anymore.

Well, I looked in the mirror and knew what I had to do,
You said the fire burnt out, so now I'm done with you.

Interesting...Play with it and see how that fares out... Gotta say I admire your approach.. Jumpin in there

PaperDog wrote:Interesting...Play with it and see how that fares out... Gotta say I admire your approach.. Jumpin in there

Thanks!

I'm busy at work today because I was off yesterday, and didn't do anything yesterday (of course), so I'll probably get on it some more tomorrow.

Well, I gotta leave that girl alone now it's just me!

I definitely need to change that line. The flow is terrible, I think it's the word, 'now,' screwing it up because you have an uncontrollable pause after, 'alone' going into now.