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This Dream Killing me.

deep inside this dream
the depths keep killing me
its a place i dont want to be
and the pain is killing me

its a nightmare
theres monters everywhere
i dont know what to do
all i can see is you

the guy with an ax
is traped in side
he cant escape
or hide
this might be his dispise

the decay of bodys everywhere
rotting flesh and the smell
this place is so real
it seems like im in hell.

-By , Brandon Love- facebook.com/Finklestine

Spell Check!!!

"All I can see is you"
Is that a good thing or bad thing?
I thought there were monsters everywhere is the "you" also a monster?
I don't want to have to figure things out when it comes to lyrics. It shouldn't be confusing or maybe I just don't get it. Sorry bro I say try a re-write.

Dude, no one just writes lyrics.
Lyrics are half of a song. You must have some form of melody
in your head to give you direction for the lyrics.
If there is no musical direction for the lyrics. It is a poem.
Lyrics are poems that are adapted and suported by
musical structure.

If written corectly, they deliver meaning and emotion instantly.
Your purpose is not to write something that makes perfect sence
to you.
Your words say you are having a bad dream. You basicly say that
over and over and over with different words. There's no message
or thought other than that. All that you have said could be boiled
down to a couple lines if you choose your words carefully.

Learn to tell a large story in a small song.[/b]

[quote="KLUGMO"]Dude, no one just writes lyrics.
Lyrics are half of a song. You must have some form of melody
in your head to give you direction for the lyrics.
If there is no musical direction for the lyrics. It is a poem.
Lyrics are poems that are adapted and suported by
musical structure.

If written corectly, they deliver meaning and emotion instantly.
Your purpose is not to write something that makes perfect sence
to you.
Your words say you are having a bad dream. You basicly say that
over and over and over with different words. There's no message
or thought other than that. All that you have said could be boiled
down to a couple lines if you choose your words carefully.

Learn to tell a large story in a small song.

Dont call yourself a song writer, become one.

What Klug said. Take from lifes experiences and turn them into songs. Something serious like :

Goodbye Thunder Thighs

Goodbye Thunder Thighs those aren’t teardrops in my eyes.
No, you won’t find me crying when you’re gone.
It’s still sad to see you go for I loved you once you know
But there’s something I must say before you go.

I won’t dream I’m rolling down hill while I’m sleeping anymore.
No need to hide the chocolates behind the closet door.
Now I can eat in bed without you glaring at my head
And the pickup might ride level once you’re gone.

A Slacker G song from the heart

Well, maybe not quite like that, but it does tell a story of sorts. Or maybe not. Never mind.

BINGO SLACK [/b]

Next time put a place in your poll to vote NO![/b]

Just plain sad.

The lyrics are ok if your a screamer and your playin' the song in a "180bpm death metal style"

I ment to put no, i actually did but it didnt save it

Brandon, it's not good but that shouldn't stop you. Keep writing and you will get better. Remember the best writers are prolific readers; make sure you read ten times more than you write. Take a class or two to improve your language skills and learn the basics of poetry and creative writing. It takes many years to become a decent writer regardless of your chosen discipline. Best of luck.

I don't put much stock in any lyrics. Some of the most popular songs ever sold had really stupid lyrics. Unfortunately some of the greatest lyrics ever written have been paired with some awful music. With the right music even the worst lyrics can become an effective lyrical hook. Post a tune on your profile with lyrics you wrote. Then I'll listen (if it's more than tolerable). Otherwise frankly I could care less. Just my opinion...

Bob, Brandon just writes lyrics. Not everyone is or should be a musician. True many popular, lucrative songs have featured inane lyrics but the greatest songs have great words. They are as important as the drums; the beat moves the feet but the words move the mind.

jimmydanger wrote:Bob, Brandon just writes lyrics. Not everyone is or should be a musician. True many popular, lucrative songs have featured inane lyrics but the greatest songs have great words. They are as important as the drums; the beat moves the feet but the words move the mind.

. What I meant to say was he should try working with a musician. Maybe some musicians can write music based around a poem or lyrics. However I think working hand in hand with a really good musician would help Brandon the most. Who knows, he could be the next Bernie Taupin.

I Think your lyrics are so subjective, that the story in them has more meaning for you than it does for others...... Not much in the way of creative metaphor, given the cryptic message behind them. They do tend to strive more for the rhyme than for true direction. Morbidity without shock, equates to a dead man, shooting... If that's you, then seek professional help.