I've spent a LOT of time with my grandson over the last two years. I've learned never to wear black trousers when we go out together, because black shows off everything so well. His grubby little paws invariably wipe his foodstuffs, nose drippings, & whatever else he can get them into, onto whatever I happen to be wearing. I've spent a LOT of time walking around with these "Pappy Merit Badges," as I like to call them, all over my person. So, I can often be seen with very colorful print shirts & grubby jeans, when we're out & about, to mask the inevitable marks of my new position in life.
Last week, though, actually rather frightened me, in that I had taken so little care in my preparations to go out in public with the little tyke.
I was wearing sweatpants to the WalMart. We were just going out to get some much-needed groceries. It was chilly. I was in a hurry to get things done. There are a multitude of reasons for my being in sweats at the time.
So, Ian, Jace & I went to that cursed store, & Jace, of course, demanded that HE be the one to drive the cart. I hate when that happens. (I AM a guy, you know, so I want to get in & out of any store a quickly as possible, but these days, when I go with Jace, it seems to take even longer than shopping with my wife. He dawdles. He stops & looks at things I would never take a second to look at. And he "drives"...oh, so slow! If it weren't for the wonder in his eyes, the joy he takes in the little things, & the comedy he continually provides, I'd take a horse-whip or cattle-prod to him to keep him moving.)
I had left Ian & Jace with the cart, & went to grab Jace's precious "appa-ju-ju-juice." Once he saw me returning with the 4 frozen cans in my hand, Jace shrieked in glee, & came running to "help" me carry them to the cart. I handed him a can, &, with my other two hands occupied with the rest, I stepped toward the cart. I was slightly faster than Jace, & as he rushed to keep up, he fell...and when he fell, of course, his free hand went to the one spot that could save him from a bounce to the hard floor - Pappy's ass. Gripping my pants (AND underpants!) in his iron grip, he fell, pulling my drawers down with him, for, not only had I chosen to wear the absolute worst choice of butt-coverings, but I had also neglected to TIE the damned things!
My hand with the single can of frozen juice went to quickly remedy the situation, & I gotta tell ya - WalMart keeps their frozen foodstuffs COLD! I yanked my pants back into place, awkwardly, while frantically looking for that paparrazzi-wannabe that always seems to get the best shots of unfortunate ppl who shop there, but I felt more than merely lucky to see that there were no other ppl present in that particular frozen food aisle at the time.
Ian had a good laugh, though, which of course sent Jace into gales of whole-hearted gleefulness, at my expense, & I had yet another of those moments that remind me that there are STILL valuable life-lessons to be learned, even at 55!
I keep expecting to see my ass plastered all over the internet, though. It's a scary thing, like the sword of Damocles hanging over my head...I just know that someone got that shot!
Last week, though, actually rather frightened me, in that I had taken so little care in my preparations to go out in public with the little tyke.
I was wearing sweatpants to the WalMart. We were just going out to get some much-needed groceries. It was chilly. I was in a hurry to get things done. There are a multitude of reasons for my being in sweats at the time.
So, Ian, Jace & I went to that cursed store, & Jace, of course, demanded that HE be the one to drive the cart. I hate when that happens. (I AM a guy, you know, so I want to get in & out of any store a quickly as possible, but these days, when I go with Jace, it seems to take even longer than shopping with my wife. He dawdles. He stops & looks at things I would never take a second to look at. And he "drives"...oh, so slow! If it weren't for the wonder in his eyes, the joy he takes in the little things, & the comedy he continually provides, I'd take a horse-whip or cattle-prod to him to keep him moving.)
I had left Ian & Jace with the cart, & went to grab Jace's precious "appa-ju-ju-juice." Once he saw me returning with the 4 frozen cans in my hand, Jace shrieked in glee, & came running to "help" me carry them to the cart. I handed him a can, &, with my other two hands occupied with the rest, I stepped toward the cart. I was slightly faster than Jace, & as he rushed to keep up, he fell...and when he fell, of course, his free hand went to the one spot that could save him from a bounce to the hard floor - Pappy's ass. Gripping my pants (AND underpants!) in his iron grip, he fell, pulling my drawers down with him, for, not only had I chosen to wear the absolute worst choice of butt-coverings, but I had also neglected to TIE the damned things!
My hand with the single can of frozen juice went to quickly remedy the situation, & I gotta tell ya - WalMart keeps their frozen foodstuffs COLD! I yanked my pants back into place, awkwardly, while frantically looking for that paparrazzi-wannabe that always seems to get the best shots of unfortunate ppl who shop there, but I felt more than merely lucky to see that there were no other ppl present in that particular frozen food aisle at the time.
Ian had a good laugh, though, which of course sent Jace into gales of whole-hearted gleefulness, at my expense, & I had yet another of those moments that remind me that there are STILL valuable life-lessons to be learned, even at 55!
I keep expecting to see my ass plastered all over the internet, though. It's a scary thing, like the sword of Damocles hanging over my head...I just know that someone got that shot!
Last edited by philbymon on Tue Jan 04, 2011 5:26 pm, edited 4 times in total.
SMILE - it's the safest way to spread your cheeks!
