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So my aunt has been in hospice care my parents house for about two months now.
Shes had off and on bouts with colon cancer.
It came back and has spread everywhere.
I visit my parents quite a bit, and of course over the last couple of months I've been visiting my aunt when I could.
Well, shes not even responsive anymore.
Just laying there with a morphone drip - rattly lungs.
Wont be long now.
But... she hasnt been able to crap for some time, or eat. Then she couldnt drink.

A skeleton of her former self.

Enough already.
Just let her pass.

I am so f**k mad right now.
Just... RAGE!
Its not really that shes dying. It's how shes dying.
All i feel is RAGE, at the entire world.
Every little annoyance that has ever happened over the past couple of months, every little set back, every slap in the face by life, every selfish act or comment... all brought to the surface to a nice boiling RAGE.

So much rage that I feel like I could start shooting people in the head and not even blink an eye.
I could crush every bone in Capt. Scotts body and smile while I did it.

This is not the first time Ive had to witness this way of dying - but this time - there just this BOILING RAGE, and I've had enough of this worlds sh*t!

It's good to let out your rage.
It's also good that "this world" is not all we have.
I've seen death on so many levels. From the final gasp of the unresponsive. To the breathless thank you as they go.
I've been asked to sit and pray by and with those passing.
And often times the unresponsive become fully lucid in their last minutes.
Even if you cant tell, she knows you are there.
Tell her you love her, and that it is ok for her to let go.

As long as somebody is still alive there is hope of a recovery. She may very well die, and she may be in agony, and she may be in an absolutely horrible existence, BUT people have recovered from that. MANY people have been given last rites only to make a miraculous recovery. Having a person in that state is a terrible dilemma. It's a VERY TOUGH thing to say let somebody die. It is a HUMANE thing to pull the plug on somebody. You don't want to ever see somebody suffer. Either one of two things are going to happen here. She'll die soon and be free of suffering OR she'll make a miraculous recovery. Either will be better than her present state. And either will happen so hang in there, pray for something better, and something better IS going to happen...

When you rage, it is no longer about or for her...but you definitely need a release of some sort, & I understand completely.

I go through the same feelings on a much lesser scale with my grandson's problems, & I've watched ppl who were close, like my mom, go painfully & slowly, & again, it seems like it's all you can do not to reach out & "touch" someone, anyone at all, with all your aggression, all of your helpless frustration.

You may not have the power to control her situation, but you can do what little there is to do to make it slightly more tolerable for her, on some level. All you can do is to try.

She passed at 7:55 this morning.
Services day after tomorrow.
I actually wrote that post while sitting at my moms. Hung out there till around midnight, but I had to get up at 4am for work, so I finally went home.

The rage is gone for now.
Strangely, I felt just fine today

No more suffering. It is a blessing...

we (the medical community) have a fixation with keeping people alive, even when doing so is pointless, outrageously expensive, and is laced with severe suffering and emotional turmoil.

Glad to hear you are feeling better about things ZIP

I have mixed feelings about your loss, after the way you presented it.

It seems a blessing on the one hand, & yet it's still such a big loss on the other.

Hopefully, you & yours can cope with it all well, & she has found the peace that she deserved after passing through the hell she's already been through.

This kind of tale always gets to me, & my words fail me. Sorry.

Hang in there, you will make it. Give it some time.

Sorry to hear of your Aunts passing. If you look hard enough there is a positive to every single negative thing that happens in life. This blessing of life that we enjoy is only a temporary thing. Our time on this beautiful earth is very short. Though sometimes it may not seem so beautiful or short. You have to make it thru the darkness to enjoy the light!