General Music Chat

The Musician's Whole Bible

Old Testamonials -



Genocide - this book describes how to put your political agenda into every song

Exitras - how to get out of gigs you don't want, & other extras

Livid & Cussing - protest music, punk stuff, generally angry music & how & why it's made

Numbers - what songs should you do & why (for cover bands)

Doucherotomy - ppl musicians hate, & rightfully so

Joshin' Ya - novelty songs & their purpose

Judges - how to judge other musicians' stuff & still make yourself look better than them

Ruthless - the way you should treat other acts

Sammy Kershaw I - words of wisdom from this country icon

Sammy Kershaw II - funny jokes about him

Things I - stuff you'll need to buy

Things II - stuff you should demand that your bandmates buy

Chronically Ill I - how to handle band disputes

Chronically Ill II - what to do if YOU'RE the problem

Ezra - are you REALLY better than he?

Nevermindah - stuff you should try to forget as soon as possible

Asters - what kind of flowers should you buy your promoter?

Job - how to get it. how to keep it. how to lose it.

Palms - the best alternative to the disease-ridden groupies

Proverbialisms - glittering generalities about the music biz

Ecclesiasting Stuff - the christian music industry

Songs Of The Strong - how to write for MMA, pro-wrestling, action movies & car races

I See Ya - paranoid songs

Jerrymanders - flukes in the music world

Lamentating - sad stuff & how to market grief

Easy Kill - writing for video games

Danny Boy - never do this song unless you're Irish & a tenor

Hosers & Posers - the dark side of the music biz

Joel, Billy - how he made it & why you can't

Amos Moses - was a preacher. he lived by himself in the swamp...

Oh, Bad Idea - what not to do

Jonas Brothers - how to market bad music for little kids

Mics - how to use & abuse a microphone - special Roger Daltry feature

Nah, Ya Bum - how to say no gracefully

Habits & Cuckolds - how to seduce that hot nun, or how to enjoy a little on the side if you're a woman musician

Zythers - why you should never ever play one

Fag Hags - why they are so necessary to the gay musician

Zebras & Twinkies - making music for ppl outside your race

Malignance - how to dominate the market & destroy your enemies




New Tesamonials -




Matthew Sweet - what ever happened to him?

Mark Chesny - why is this man popular?

Luke Skywalker - bad sci-fi movie music - how to write & record & sell it

John Lennon - he's dead, you know

Acts Of Contrition - what to do when you get drunk & mess up

Roamin' Hands - & rushin' fingers, or, how to handle groupies

I Corinthean Leather - the best car for rock stars

II Corinthean Leather - the best furniture for having sex with groupies

Gal Asians - fetishes for musicians

Ephin' Easy Times - drugs for the common rock star

Philipinas - the worst ethnic groupie stories

Collossal Blunders - what not to do...EVER!

The Salons I - what to do with your hair (for men)

The Salons II - for women

1 Timothy - Leary was wrong

2 Timothy - TIMMY!

Titans - of the rock world, a general list

Philby - why you should always listen to him

Hebrew - is hard to sing with all of those gutteral ach-ach sounds

James Taylor - I have no idea why he's got his own chapter

1 Peter - how to pad your pants for effect & attractiveness

2 Peter - 3 Peter, 4, 5 Peter, 6 Peter, 7 Peter, MORE! gay electro dance music

1 John - bathroom useage on the tour bus

2 John - take matches with you

3 John - portapotties at outdoor events

Hey Jude - proof that you should never sing senseless syllables

Reverbations - how to set up your PA so no one can understand the words

LOL

Now that took some thought.

That's why you should write a book, or a music column for your local paper. Although they would censor some of it. LOL

Funny stuff Philly!

.

Now that's a Bible I would read!

I would suggest one additional book:

Drumnuts - How to hire, fire and coexist with the flakiest member of any band

My favorite book...Amos Moses.

Certifiable Phil, that you are.

Certifiable Phil, that you are.

with "WAY to much time on your hands"

Aw, heck, Ron. That only took me 1/2 hour, 45 min tops!

Of course, it prolly coulda used a little more thought...maybe later...I dunno if it's really all that worthwhile...

I like writing funny stuff, though (when it works)!

Who done the ten commandments for musicians on this forum ? I like that one too but can't find it anymore.

Its another day in Paradise !!!

Gee...I musta missed that one, #1.

I'll hafta look in that Amos Moses chapter & see if it's in there...

Philby, you left out the third book of the New Testimonials.

Lukewarm - How to play in a lounge act.

Actually, all I really did was look at the real books of the bible, & alter them a bit to fit my dubious needs.

I know, but don't they go, Mathew, Mark, Luke, John...and so on? They used to.

Ack! I missed Luke!

Hey, thanks, rats! I fixed it, now...Whew! THAT was close! Wouldn't wanna look like a nut case or sumpin!