Philby's History Of American Music
Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:23 amOkay...I wrote most of this on another thread last week. I figgered it would be fun to edit it, & to try to arrange it temporally. This is my lil essay, & I welcome all comments on it, good or bad.
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Philby's History Of American Music
As the Celtic immiigrants ran from the powers that be, they headed into the hills of Appalachia, where they found that smoking the blue grass will make you very thirsty for corn drippings.
Meanwhile...well, actually, way before this occured...the slave ships gave the blues to many forced immigrants, who sang them a capella, since they couldn't afford instruments.
As time went by, the newly freed ppl began to alter their beloved blues, mostly because they were bored with them, & things really weren't as bad as they once had been, & jazzier sounds began to erupt from the southern villages as ppl now had enough money to buy instruments.
However, the landholders who once brought these immigrants to the country, FINALLY began to listen to their music, &, since they could afford instruments, they began to play the blues (poorly, cuz they had little or no real rhythm). This new form of the blues encountered the Appalachian bluegrass sound, & they combined to create country music, with a twist of lime.
Some of those jazz players had actually read somewhere that there were huge bands of musicians called "symphony orchestras," that were very popular at one time, so they invented the "big band sound," to emulate it and become popular, themselves. Unfortunately, alcohol became illegal at this time, and it was hard to fit 137 people with horns, bull fiddles and drums into a tiny little speakeasy, and still hide from the cops with all the noise and all. And, although alcohol became legal again (hooray!), amplifiers were soon invented, which removed the need for that many musicians on a single stage.
The jazzists continued to explore yet more musical territory, & found that certain rhythms & dance styles could get them laid, & "rock & roll" was born in the back seat of an old Dodge when Albert plooked Peggy Sue.
The rhythmless ppls still trying to invent country music got all caught up in trying to get laid, too, & Elvis started thrusting his hips, which drove the girls crazy, for some reason, & rock & roll soon became main-stream.
However, as these music styles continued to evolve simultaneously, they began to fracture into factions - rhythm & blues, the motor city sound, the philly cheese steak, and broken speakers begat distorted sounds for the masses.
Although much in the music world was changing and evolving, there was one genre which stubbornly refused to change or adapt - folk music, which is a very primitive form, using very bad singers & untuned instruments to produce much catterwalling and caccaphonious yodelling and whining. This music is still most popular with certain people who persist in believing that there is a place for this genre, although no one has actually bought any folk music recordings since 1962.
Somewhere in there was the invention of Standard Pop, which was the favorite mixer of the drunken Rat Pack.
Then the country fried rockabillistic poets found drugs, & the entire music scene changed once again. Psycho-deli-cha-cha, funky smelly dance shoes, methed-up speed metal, and candy corn seemed to be all the rage with various groups of women (which is the only reason people ever played music at all).
Soul was the result of blues-infused jiggly legs syndrome, and was quite popular for many years, until it was discovered that Marvin Gaye really WAS...but that didn't stop The Godfather Of Soul from beating up his wives with much musical glee and some great dance steps, and it is suspected that it also inspired Jerry Lee Lewis to off his kissing cousin of a wife...perhaps all of this sort of sexual violence is what led us to rapping about big butts & the love thereof while popping a cap in your rivals' posteriors...(see below)...
There was a huge European influence in American music when the "British Invasion" of the 60's re-introduced Americans to the blues. The Americans had seemed to have forgotten them for a short time, and obviously needed reminding. During this time, Americans made no music at all, preferring to listen to the lovely British accents singing the American standards with much artistic orchestration.
Disco was invented by people who had discovered that cocaine can numb your sexual organs. They created an entire music form around people who were moving around, trying to rediscover the feeling in their nether regions. Thankfully, the genre died when "free-basing" was invented, and people started to smoke the substance.
Art rock was caused by over-educated classical musicians who had no taste whatsoever, but had a great sense of lighting & lots of weird album covers to justify their unusual presense in a completely lackluster period in the annals of modern music.
Punk was a musical approach that contended that the less actual music you played, the better, as long as you did it loudly, with extremely skinny, unwashed, pimply-faced "singers," who shouted unrecognizeable lyrical content at the top of their lungs and cursed a lot, with a fake English accent. Nearly every punk band has disbanded, due to the fact that they broke up all of their musical equipment at every show, and they all went bankrupt.
Then there was a fusing of classical with the more modern instruments, & the more modern lack of actual creativity or ability to play one's instrument, & new age was born & died quickly, except for the dreaded undead Yanni.
Another short-lived style was new wave. New wave performers were known best for their oddly sculpted hair-dos and strange sounds played on keyboards that they didn't know how to program, but it was quickly determined that no one cared.
Pop became very popular in the 80's when it was discovered that Michael Jackson would set his hair on fire in honor of the Pepsi-swilling youth, who were people that he really liked to sleep with. Sadly, although he survived the incident, he died two decades later, after his prosthetics began to fall off during his performances, which embarassed his doctors to the point that they killed him.
Eventually, all of this led to the invention of rap, which also calls for getting laid, more so than any other music form, as well as bitch-slapping, cap-popping, & serial killing.
Also invented was the screamo (which seems to be a direct result of ppl trying to counter the sounds of the cap-popping rappists), emo (which bewails the results of said cap-popping), & electro (which has no relation to any form of music at all).
Another new music style which has sprung up is Newgrass, which became most popular with the hemp-wearing modern pseudo-hippie, due to the high THC content of the genre.
Southern rock was a direct ripoff of the blues, begun in the 70's with a country nasal twang, which now has become simply "new country," though its roots have nothing whatsoever countrified about them. Of course, this more modern form of country requires the inclusion of such lyrical content as "eagles flying," or mention of trains, or horses, or beer, or patriotism in one form or another, even if they have nothing whatsoever to do with the rest of the song. Also necessary is a big cowboy hat, large belt buckle, & cowboy boots, even if the "artist" has never seen a real live horse in person. Frequently, chaps are added to emphasize one's crotchety area.
Nearly all American music seems to revolve around the blues, which is still most popular with the biker gangs, soccer moms, & heroin addicts, as long as Brittney Spears &/or John Tesh aren't covering them...
The advent of American Idol, however, has surely signalled the end of music as we know it, with the never-ending warbled & yodelled scales & slutty outfits for the menfolk, while perpetrating the rumor that Paula Abdul can actually sing her way off the program & become yet another Las Vegas stripper wannabe, as Simon continues to insult everyone at every opportunity, & Randy flashes his vast collection of stupid-looking glasses, & that new chick whose name no one can remember just sits & bubbles effervescently at one & all...and we all wait with baited breath for Ellen the Degenerate to save the show...
Yes, we have finally reached the day the music died...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Philby's History Of American Music
As the Celtic immiigrants ran from the powers that be, they headed into the hills of Appalachia, where they found that smoking the blue grass will make you very thirsty for corn drippings.
Meanwhile...well, actually, way before this occured...the slave ships gave the blues to many forced immigrants, who sang them a capella, since they couldn't afford instruments.
As time went by, the newly freed ppl began to alter their beloved blues, mostly because they were bored with them, & things really weren't as bad as they once had been, & jazzier sounds began to erupt from the southern villages as ppl now had enough money to buy instruments.
However, the landholders who once brought these immigrants to the country, FINALLY began to listen to their music, &, since they could afford instruments, they began to play the blues (poorly, cuz they had little or no real rhythm). This new form of the blues encountered the Appalachian bluegrass sound, & they combined to create country music, with a twist of lime.
Some of those jazz players had actually read somewhere that there were huge bands of musicians called "symphony orchestras," that were very popular at one time, so they invented the "big band sound," to emulate it and become popular, themselves. Unfortunately, alcohol became illegal at this time, and it was hard to fit 137 people with horns, bull fiddles and drums into a tiny little speakeasy, and still hide from the cops with all the noise and all. And, although alcohol became legal again (hooray!), amplifiers were soon invented, which removed the need for that many musicians on a single stage.
The jazzists continued to explore yet more musical territory, & found that certain rhythms & dance styles could get them laid, & "rock & roll" was born in the back seat of an old Dodge when Albert plooked Peggy Sue.
The rhythmless ppls still trying to invent country music got all caught up in trying to get laid, too, & Elvis started thrusting his hips, which drove the girls crazy, for some reason, & rock & roll soon became main-stream.
However, as these music styles continued to evolve simultaneously, they began to fracture into factions - rhythm & blues, the motor city sound, the philly cheese steak, and broken speakers begat distorted sounds for the masses.
Although much in the music world was changing and evolving, there was one genre which stubbornly refused to change or adapt - folk music, which is a very primitive form, using very bad singers & untuned instruments to produce much catterwalling and caccaphonious yodelling and whining. This music is still most popular with certain people who persist in believing that there is a place for this genre, although no one has actually bought any folk music recordings since 1962.
Somewhere in there was the invention of Standard Pop, which was the favorite mixer of the drunken Rat Pack.
Then the country fried rockabillistic poets found drugs, & the entire music scene changed once again. Psycho-deli-cha-cha, funky smelly dance shoes, methed-up speed metal, and candy corn seemed to be all the rage with various groups of women (which is the only reason people ever played music at all).
Soul was the result of blues-infused jiggly legs syndrome, and was quite popular for many years, until it was discovered that Marvin Gaye really WAS...but that didn't stop The Godfather Of Soul from beating up his wives with much musical glee and some great dance steps, and it is suspected that it also inspired Jerry Lee Lewis to off his kissing cousin of a wife...perhaps all of this sort of sexual violence is what led us to rapping about big butts & the love thereof while popping a cap in your rivals' posteriors...(see below)...
There was a huge European influence in American music when the "British Invasion" of the 60's re-introduced Americans to the blues. The Americans had seemed to have forgotten them for a short time, and obviously needed reminding. During this time, Americans made no music at all, preferring to listen to the lovely British accents singing the American standards with much artistic orchestration.
Disco was invented by people who had discovered that cocaine can numb your sexual organs. They created an entire music form around people who were moving around, trying to rediscover the feeling in their nether regions. Thankfully, the genre died when "free-basing" was invented, and people started to smoke the substance.
Art rock was caused by over-educated classical musicians who had no taste whatsoever, but had a great sense of lighting & lots of weird album covers to justify their unusual presense in a completely lackluster period in the annals of modern music.
Punk was a musical approach that contended that the less actual music you played, the better, as long as you did it loudly, with extremely skinny, unwashed, pimply-faced "singers," who shouted unrecognizeable lyrical content at the top of their lungs and cursed a lot, with a fake English accent. Nearly every punk band has disbanded, due to the fact that they broke up all of their musical equipment at every show, and they all went bankrupt.
Then there was a fusing of classical with the more modern instruments, & the more modern lack of actual creativity or ability to play one's instrument, & new age was born & died quickly, except for the dreaded undead Yanni.
Another short-lived style was new wave. New wave performers were known best for their oddly sculpted hair-dos and strange sounds played on keyboards that they didn't know how to program, but it was quickly determined that no one cared.
Pop became very popular in the 80's when it was discovered that Michael Jackson would set his hair on fire in honor of the Pepsi-swilling youth, who were people that he really liked to sleep with. Sadly, although he survived the incident, he died two decades later, after his prosthetics began to fall off during his performances, which embarassed his doctors to the point that they killed him.
Eventually, all of this led to the invention of rap, which also calls for getting laid, more so than any other music form, as well as bitch-slapping, cap-popping, & serial killing.
Also invented was the screamo (which seems to be a direct result of ppl trying to counter the sounds of the cap-popping rappists), emo (which bewails the results of said cap-popping), & electro (which has no relation to any form of music at all).
Another new music style which has sprung up is Newgrass, which became most popular with the hemp-wearing modern pseudo-hippie, due to the high THC content of the genre.
Southern rock was a direct ripoff of the blues, begun in the 70's with a country nasal twang, which now has become simply "new country," though its roots have nothing whatsoever countrified about them. Of course, this more modern form of country requires the inclusion of such lyrical content as "eagles flying," or mention of trains, or horses, or beer, or patriotism in one form or another, even if they have nothing whatsoever to do with the rest of the song. Also necessary is a big cowboy hat, large belt buckle, & cowboy boots, even if the "artist" has never seen a real live horse in person. Frequently, chaps are added to emphasize one's crotchety area.
Nearly all American music seems to revolve around the blues, which is still most popular with the biker gangs, soccer moms, & heroin addicts, as long as Brittney Spears &/or John Tesh aren't covering them...
The advent of American Idol, however, has surely signalled the end of music as we know it, with the never-ending warbled & yodelled scales & slutty outfits for the menfolk, while perpetrating the rumor that Paula Abdul can actually sing her way off the program & become yet another Las Vegas stripper wannabe, as Simon continues to insult everyone at every opportunity, & Randy flashes his vast collection of stupid-looking glasses, & that new chick whose name no one can remember just sits & bubbles effervescently at one & all...and we all wait with baited breath for Ellen the Degenerate to save the show...
Yes, we have finally reached the day the music died...
