General Music Chat

Actually forwarded to The Bottom Line (a bass players mailing list):

http://greenville.craigslist.org/muc/533812875.html

This seemed apropos in light of the "infractions" topics.

I actually thought he missed a few:

* Must feel a burning need to rehearse four hours at a time, five times per week with no discernible progress being made in our ability to perform the songs. In fact, it's best if the songs get worse the more we rehearse.

* If you actually learn the songs on your own before coming to rehearsal, I'm really not interested in you. If you also practice your instrument on your own, you're a dweeb, loser and an anti-social moron as well. And you're probably a serial killer anyway.

* If you can remember a song that you've learned for more than two weeks, I'm sorry, I just can't have someone like that in my band. Relearning songs we've learned 30 times already is half the fun.

* If you can't be anal-retentive about non-issues in playing the music, don't call, don't write, in fact, stop reading this ad right now. Sucking all the fun out of playing should be a goal that any responsible musician aspires to.

* If you are unable to create and maintain power struggles which completely kill any productivity at over-frequent rehearsals, please don't call.

* If you are a drummer and you have less than thirty drums, fewer than twenty cymbals, or don't have two regular and one piccolo snares, you're not who I'm looking for.

This all sounds really familiar...have we played together before?

That's friggin hilarious!

Sadly, some musicians take those criteria as a mandate!

have we played together before?

No, but I know I've played with the guy I described. Yeah, you know, and the guy described in the original ad.

That wasn't you, was it?

Not that I remember, but then I've matured a lot in the past couple of years...

Hey bro,

I combined the original Craig's List posting with your additions, and sent it out as a bulletin. If I had your MySpace URL, I would have given you credit, so sorry. You may see it floating around MySpace now, cause other musicians were laughing their asses off about it, as was I.

btw...Your additions were better than the original.

Had me LMAO!

http://www.myspace.com/aikido_rio_vista

I thought of a couple more, as well:

* I only want people who are convinced that their lame originals are better than any cover we could do. Originals are obviously better, no matter how bad the songs are.

* If your originals actually are good, you're out of the running unless you are so strung out on drugs and alcohol that nobody actually cares how good your music is.

And one more:

* Singers: I only want you if I can sing better than you do. I'm a terrible singer and I don't want you making me look bad by actually being able to sing.

* Only interested in singers that will try to screw all the band-mates girlfriends.

I've been trading e-mails with the guy who originally wrote th ad. He seems fairly amused by the reaction he's gotten to it.

But:

I've actually had a couple of replies from people who thought I was serious.

No, really, this is directly from his last e-mail to me.

This is just wrong. Wrong and bad. Wrong, bad and, well, upsetting.

Who reads an ad like that and doesn't get that it's sarcasm?

I thought it was hilarious, even seriously considered trying to put together a response that would make him laugh till his face hurts. A parody or charicature of the people that would fit his description. Tell him I live in Louisiana and he'll have to come pick me up...by the way you do have a boat, right?... that kind of thing. I don't know though, it might not be easy to one-up that one

* If your wife won't let you come to practice at least once a week because she wants to spend more quality time with you. You're in. The rest of the band-members have enough to work on while you're gone. You'll catch up later.

But if that's not quite possible.. You must at least have a cell phone with you at all times. Nothing is better for the progress of the band than keeping your cell phone on waiting for her call during practice. The noise that comes through the amp is great, and leaving early to get home to her faster allows the other band-members to spend the rest of practice talking sh*t behind your back about how whipped you are..

Get some musicians together and play your ass off. If it sounds good you've got a band. If it sounds like sh*t you don't have a band. THE END.

I hear gun fire in the jungle, affix bayonets and hold the line. lol

and when I come home, I'm home. I also tell her I've got a gig and when I come home from that, I'm home. There is NO INTERRUPTING ME. Music is important. There is NO TOLERATION for interruptions. Music is one of the three things I do WITHOUT interruption. The other two are disc golf and fishing. There are certain things a MAN has to do. You're not a little BOY any more. Your MOMMY doesn't have to call you on your cell phone to come home. Not only do I not tolerate crap from my wife, I don't tolerate my band members being interrupted by their significant others. This is a BUSINESS. It is MY business. It is a MAN'S business. My wife is welcome to come and listen to me play WITHOUT INTERRUPTION. In fact my MOMMY can come and listen to me play WITHOUT INTERRUPTION. You guys are killing me with these stories of your wives running your life. It's time for you wimpy guys to start TAKING CONTROL. Later...