General Music Chat

In about two months or so I will be officially divorced. My soon to be ex-wife was a monster! This former Sunday School teacher was the worst foul-mouthed, lazy, violent, and disrespectful person I ever met. After recovering my my first ankle surgery the broad shoved me when she could(I had staples). Last straw was...get this...when she tried to stab me with a butter knife. I never once put my hands on her...ever!

So while I didn't have anyone to look after me, she was gone every weekend and came home late at night until she purposely got fired. Anyways, a couple days ago I saw her MySpaced and was appalled! She had and has been seeing two dudes that I know of behind my back. One is in prison and the other one is out. And then I get threats!? WTF? I'm sure she loves it.

So I've been extremely angry lately due to losing everything that I had, just taken away. Good news is, I'll be moving out of the ghetto I'm in by breaking my lease due to a little minor touch up operation because I live upstairs.

Sorry for saying too much, but my question is:How do you get over divorce? It's painful. There's so many emotions, resentment and regret that I feel. Inspiration is difficult, and my personality is kinda downtrodden, to say the least. Most people I know don't understand, so I feel absorbed in this. What's the cure? Time? Trying to forget about it? I know for a fact a rebound girl isn't the answer. I think that's just a tool some use to run away.

Any Doctors in here?

In about two months or so I will be officially divorced. My soon to be ex-wife was a monster! This former Sunday School teacher was the worst foul-mouthed, lazy, violent, and disrespectful person I ever met. After recovering my my first ankle surgery the broad shoved me when she could(I had staples). Last straw was...get this...when she tried to stab me with a butter knife. I never once put my hands on her...ever!

So while I didn't have anyone to look after me, she was gone every weekend and came home late at night until she purposely got fired. Anyways, a couple days ago I saw her MySpaced and was appalled! She had and has been seeing two dudes that I know of behind my back. One is in prison and the other one is out. And then I get threats!? WTF? I'm sure she loves it.

So I've been extremely angry lately due to losing everything that I had, just taken away. Good news is, I'll be moving out of the ghetto I'm in by breaking my lease due to a little minor touch up operation because I live upstairs.

Sorry for saying too much, but my question is:How do you get over divorce? It's painful. There's so many emotions, resentment and regret that I feel. Inspiration is difficult, and my personality is kinda downtrodden, to say the least. Most people I know don't understand, so I feel absorbed in this. What's the cure? Time? Trying to forget about it? I know for a fact a rebound girl isn't the answer. I think that's just a tool some use to run away.

Any Doctors in here?

Write music, make art, sleep around, etc.

Krul I was married 24 years before my divorce. You like me then are a little crazy right now. I found that excepting everything that happened and will still happen is your only savior. Except that it hurts, except that she changed, except that you lost stuff, except that you have to start over. You have a chance at a new beginning now and need to concentrate on that. Hundreds of thousands of Divorces have happened before yours. What do you think all those guys are doing right now? They have moved on. They are living their life. That's all you can do besides remembering and learning from your mistakes. You are not completely innocent here, right? None of us are. Develop a new skill. Learn how to separate yourself from everything connected with her. DETACH. Don't dwell, don't ask strangers on message boards how to deal with it. Move if you must to distance yourself. All these things SUCK but work. It will Suck until you finally separate yourself emotionally, physically and mentally. There are wonderful and beautiful women out there believe me. Know what you want and don't setle.

Thanks for the advice KLUGMO. I needed to hear what you said. Yeah, life has been raining hard at a fast pace. I know it's going to brighten up, but this divorce has only been a year and I'm just going through some things I never thought I would. I knew it had to happen though, I couldn't take being in that situation.

I'm not going to sit around and play the victim role. I do now realize just how bad some people feel when they go through this. It definately will make me more supportive and understanding in the future for anyone else.

On the bright side, I'm not too late to start again, and notice red flags more often...though you don't always see them till later sometimes. A part of me is glad I can find a better lady. I'm also really getting to know myself on a deeper level. Now that the drama is gone...I can finally re-group. I can only become a stronger person out of it.

Thanks again!

Klugmo is right on, sounds like he has been thru it too! I have been thru it twice LMAO! Going thru a divorce is one of the toughest and most emotionally draining things you will ever go thru in your life. It is very much like a death in the family you go thru phases. The first phase is heartbreak, your heart hurts so bad, then desperation soon sets in. Then you go thru the anger phase be very careful during this phase is where some men do stupid things that at the very least can cost you more money after you have just lost everything i.e. more lawyers fee's or bond from jail. An aquaintence once told me there is a very fine line between love and hate. Well during a divorce you find out what your wifes true motives for being with you are (sometimes just for the money or security)

My advise to you would be get your head straight admit to yourself your ownership in this failed relationship. Don't even think about starting a new relationship untill you are truely over this one (my mistake on no. 2) If you do you might settle for the first thing that comes along and also cause an innocent decent person a lot of emotional anguish (and that is unfair to her). Remember that this is but a passing phase in your life and it will soon pass. Life goes on YOU WILL AND CAN find happiness beyond your wildest dreams by this I mean you will grow from this experience and will be emotionally mature enough to look for the right relationship and be able to really recognize it when it finally comes along.

I hope and pray you find the happiness in your life that I have found!

Yeah it's a tough thing to go through, I was married 23 years. It took about a year before I started to snap out of it, although you will never fully recover. Use music as your crutch, it's what saved me. Best wishes.

#1 - as much as possible, deal with your emotions with close friends, where you're sure that things you say won't come back & bite you in the ass. Get a handle on them & grip 'em tight as possible right now.

#2 - don't rush to get back out there.

#3 - get used to being by yourself. This is a much-needed bit of alone time for you. Don't look at it like it's lonely time, either! You NEED this for yourself.

#4 - you picked the wrong person. Keep reminding yourself of that fact. She did only what she was gonna do anyway, whether it was to you or someone else - don't take her actions personally! (This is the hardest one, btw)

#5 - accept the fact that you chose the wrong person. Go ahead & analyze it - there were warning signs. What were they? How will you avoid this in the future? THIS is what you will eventually work out for yourself, but only after you can sit quietly & think about it without all the emotional upheaval. Don't even try to rush this step, cuz your emotions will bleed through. When your inner voice is calmer, you will go through this one alone, & you will grow.

#6 - don't fall into that trap where you hate all women. You'll feel like that for a bit. DO try not to be vocal about it, cuz it's one of those things that will come back & bite your ass.

#7 - get a good lawyer & take his advice at every turn.

#8 - when you face her again, & you will, never let on that you hurt because of her actions. She did horrible stuff, but you have had no control over that. The only thing you can control is your responses, & the best way to control your responses is to control your emotions.

#9 - the most important bit of advice I could ever give someone in this situation is - KEEP BUSY! Pack your stuff. Exercize to rid yourself of the nervous energy. Work on your music. Write poetry. Paint something. Walk if you can. Read a book. Go to a museum. Do things that you don't normally do. Do things that require your attention or exursion as much as possible. This is not avoidance, & you shouldn't look at it that way, btw. Busy-ness is the best alternative to depression or any other emotional upheaval that there is. This most important step will keep you from making a fool of yourself, from going down that dark tunnel, & from gathering hate within you. You may even develop a new interest that takes up nearly all your time for a bit. Go with it if you can.

#10 - make sure that you're still handling the necessities of life - the bill paying, taking out the trash, etc., or this will bite you in the ass.

For me I hadnt played music in a number of years with my old band. We did this reunion thing and it made me buckle down and start playing music again. That reunion gig I felt naked cause at the time I hadnt played in front of people for a couple of years. The guys said I did great but I knew I could do better. So I started spending a lot of time practicing and getting my chops back up to snuff.

The band then decided to get back together and I have to say without that i probably would have gone crazy.

You dont say anything about children, if any are involved dont take the situation out on them, if anything you want to remain as stable for them as you can.

Good Luck and like others here Im personally sorry your going thru this. As Haley said its one of the most emotionally draining things you can go thru, but your not the first, your not alone and your definitely not the last that will go thru this. There are support groups in some areas that can help you get on your feet and hear others tell their story so you dont feel alone.

If you are a song writer, then its a good thing to get rid of your feelings in. A lot of songs Ive written in the past couple of years deal with this. I think on my player here the song Ive Been SHown is one that i jsut threw together one night just to get crap off my chest. I have no intention of doing anything with that song but it reflects the pain I was feeling at the time, so music can be your friend at this time.

Man, that's a lot of stuff to take in, and it's all good and I'll definitely use the advice. I'll need prayer for sure.

I'm starting to get past the stage where I wanted to destroy those men any way possible. I still get pissed, but it's like God zaps me everytime and shows me how stupid the consequences would be. So no wonder my car is broke at the moment!

I know I'll have no love for her at all in the near future, but I don't want hate to eat me up at the same time. That will only eat me up from the inside out.

It's all about neutralizing emotions and focusing on my music like you guys said. This is a golden time to see how deep my creativity can actually get. Pain makes good music! I may surprise myself a good deal with what I come up with. Kinda a weird exchange.

Well, I've decided I'm not gonna run to a bottle and just face this. I've started to get my appetite back a little, now all I need to do is sleep. Damn...life really throws some awful curveballs when you least expect it. I wonder what I'm going to learn from it in the end.

Hey guys, thanks for your advice and support. I'll keep truckin'. You'll see me on here regularly, I just fell into an anti-social slump altogether. I used to wince everytime my phone rang.

Be back later! Godspeed...

p.s. thankfully, I don't have children. I knew it would have been a mistake! Thank God I had that gut feeling!

Let go and let God handle the details.
I'm not nor never have been divorced.
God is the reason.
He helped us to put our lives back together after I committed some horrible mistakes.
Let God handle the details.
It's kinda like having someone you trust with your life doing the driving.
All you got to do is enjoy the ride.

How do you get over divorce? It's painful. There's so many emotions, resentment and regret that I feel. Inspiration is difficult, and my personality is kinda downtrodden, to say the least. Most people I know don't understand, so I feel absorbed in this. What's the cure? Time? Trying to forget about it? I know for a fact a rebound girl isn't the answer. I think that's just a tool some use to run away.

I find that the development of the jab is a major issue if you plan to go to the late rounds. lol Quick combos and the ability to go to the ground at any given moment is essential.

Mentally this is similar. We teach mental toughness to grade school athletes, I suggest the same.

"Be ready to disengage the saucer section in 30 seconds if you are living with an American Female Psychotic or pay with your life, sanity and pride if you have any."

Oh and did I forget to mention the possibility of them incarcerating you, should you do something worthwhile of being jailed?

Even in worst case scenario, a year is plenty.

If you can't get over it by then JUST JUMP B*TCH.. lol You'll be doing the male world a favor by eliminating your gene from the pool at hand.

By hanging onto it's memory, you quantify it and suggest that there is a reason to be miserable that's it's showed it's true colors and is now gone.

Celebrate while you can..an even worse one is just around the corner.

"May I have a slice of drama, please"?

Avoid the bad ones and celebrate the normal, regular ones.. lol
It's like more car for the money!

Kruliosis, as much as you want to, you can't put the blame on those other guys. I know I was in the same place Bro. at one time or another we are all tempted by the sins of the flesh. That is the part of wedding vows that are and should be the most important, Forsaking All Others In Sickness And Health In Good Times And Bad. You have been betrayed and it hurts but I can honestly say thru the 2 divorces I have been thru I was 50% of the problem. Thats the part of ownership I had to admit to myself so I couldn't blame her or anyone else. Once you get to the point of divorce there is no looking back. Trust me when I say THIS IS THE BEST TIME TO WRITE MUSIC. I am with JW on this. If it wasn't for my music I don't know how I would have made it thru. Like Mr. Stevie Ray Vaughn said your best girlfreind is your guitar she will never argue with you and she won't let you down LOL!

Oh! and one more thing, they are always the ones that (I don't know any other way to say it so I just will) get laid first and thats the hard part about being a guy. Once you are over her and you move on with your life (you are getting laid) LMFAO! she is gonna be jealous as HELL! and she is going to want you back. WHATEVER YOU DO YOU MUST NOT TAKE HER BACK! Just laugh, smile, ignore her and enjoy your new life because its just right around the corner!

Gettin violent wont help things. You already have some legal bills and issues, so why add to them? In all the selfdefense training I ever had ussually the instructor would advise you to avoid and get away from confrontation in the first place. Its your best defense.

Change your phone number and erase hers from your memory. The first time her and her new man have a fight she will be calling you. Do not fall for it, it will only prolong the pain. Better days are coming, but first you have to leave your old life behind.