#25760 by Craig Maxim
Mon Mar 17, 2008 11:39 pm
Mon Mar 17, 2008 11:39 pm
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Irish Jokes
Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.
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Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
--------------------
"Two leprechauns have a bet. To settle their bet, they take it to a convent. Mother Superior answers the door, and says "Oh my goodness! Its a leprechaun!" The first Leprechaun replies, "Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a question. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?" "No, little man, there are no nuns in my convent that are your size." "Alrighty then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland, that are my size?" "No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size." "Alrighty then. One more question: Are there any nuns in all of the world, that are my size?" "No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that are your size!" "Okay then." The second leprechaun starts laughing his ass off. But through the laughter, he manages to say "You see, I told you you screwed a penguin!"
St. Patrick's Day Toasts
--------------------
Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one!
--------------------
There are many good reasons for drinking,
One has just entered my head.
If a man doesn't drink when he's living,
How in the hell can he drink when he's dead?
--------------------
Saint Patrick was a gentleman
Who through strategy and stealth
Drove all the snakes from Ireland
Here's a drinkee to his health!
But not too many drinkees
Lest we lose ourselves and then...
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see them snakes again!
Silly Irish Jokes
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A: They like to "go" first class!
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A:St. O'Claus!
Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A:Sure, they're green with envy!
Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!
Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A:To keep from falling in the stew!
Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!
Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A:He took a shortcut!
Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A:Short ribs!
Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A:Because they're very short-tempered!
Irish Jokes
Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.
--------------------
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
--------------------
"Two leprechauns have a bet. To settle their bet, they take it to a convent. Mother Superior answers the door, and says "Oh my goodness! Its a leprechaun!" The first Leprechaun replies, "Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a question. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?" "No, little man, there are no nuns in my convent that are your size." "Alrighty then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland, that are my size?" "No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size." "Alrighty then. One more question: Are there any nuns in all of the world, that are my size?" "No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that are your size!" "Okay then." The second leprechaun starts laughing his ass off. But through the laughter, he manages to say "You see, I told you you screwed a penguin!"
St. Patrick's Day Toasts
--------------------
Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one!
--------------------
There are many good reasons for drinking,
One has just entered my head.
If a man doesn't drink when he's living,
How in the hell can he drink when he's dead?
--------------------
Saint Patrick was a gentleman
Who through strategy and stealth
Drove all the snakes from Ireland
Here's a drinkee to his health!
But not too many drinkees
Lest we lose ourselves and then...
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see them snakes again!
Silly Irish Jokes
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A: They like to "go" first class!
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A:St. O'Claus!
Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A:Sure, they're green with envy!
Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!
Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A:To keep from falling in the stew!
Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!
Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A:He took a shortcut!
Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A:Short ribs!
Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A:Because they're very short-tempered!
